Create the change

July 16, 2011 at 1:31 am | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment
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For all the time, effort, and energy a person spends on thinking about the negative, the wrongs in their life, and how much they haven’t done, imagine instead, how far utilizing all that energy, toward accomplishing a goal, could take them.

 Everyone knows someone like this.

Think about all of your time these people consume as you listen to them lament about all the injustices. That’s a lot of wasted time that could be spent doing something productive and positive.

If this is you, take notice and change your course.

If this is someone you know, encourage them to look toward positive things in their life and motivate them to work on their strengths vs. focusing on their weaknesses.

This will help to empower them as they realize that there are things they are good at.

We all have the ability to help transform ourselves and others.

Use your energy to create the change.

The Choice Becomes The Quest

July 20, 2010 at 4:16 am | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment
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In life many things are inevitable. One of those things is the fact that there will be times we will be hurt and that we, ourselves, will hurt others.

Indeed this is not a scientific law, but just a simple fact.

The quest of life is to experience, to learn, to grow, to love, and to find happiness.

During that quest comes the trials and tribulations each of us face, some greater than others. For some, more challenging trials than others.

No matter the quest however, we all are faced with the opportunity to look inside –  dig a little deeper, try a little harder, grow a little more, love a little larger.

We all have a choice.

We are unquestionably subject to other’s actions at times and the repercussions.  Fortunately for each of us though, we have a choice to go beyond and choose goodness, to chose love, to chose peace.

That requires openness, love for oneself, forgiveness, faith and hope.

I have felt the pangs of hatred, bitterness, resentment, and discontent, as have each of you……….

My choice - to love a little greater, be a little happier, to forgive myself and others, and keep running in pursuit of peace and serenity.

For those things, the quest sometimes is certainly not easy, but it’s not far, I merely have to look WITHIN.

Don’t Rush In

March 8, 2010 at 10:35 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment
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One of the more common questions after divorce is -

“How long should I wait before dating or getting into another relationship?”

This is a good question.

Many, while going through the divorce process or shortly after, feel like they’re ready to get out there and date again.

The primary reason for this is typically a lack of companionship which causes them to feel lonely.

The experts recommend waiting one year for every four years of marriage. So for example, if a couple was married eight years, the recommended reprieve from dating would be two years.

While some may be fine with that wait, I know others would think to themselves, “yeah right, that’s ridiculous, I’m not waiting that long”.

While I can’t say I blame you for the attempt to rush back into dating or another relationship, there are many reasons the experts give the advice they do about the wait.

Let’s take a look at a couple.

One reason is related to the 5 stages of grief. They are:

1. Denial – denying the event took place

2. Anger – a person may be mad at the ex or themselves for the                divorce

3. Bargaining – making bargains to try to take away or                                                          make up for the loss

4. Depression – feeling sad, lonely, and numb

5. Acceptance – accepting the reality of the loss

Unless someone is in the fifth stage, acceptance, all the other stages will have an affect on their ability to be emotionally ready for another relationship.

Imagine if a person is still angry with their ex over the divorce. That anger is going to manifest in other areas of their life, including their interactions with others. The manifestations could result in outward anger, repression, irritability, passive-aggressive-ness, overcompensation, etc.

What if a person is still in the ‘depression’ stage?

Firstly, how much effort are they truly going to be able to contribute to another person?

Secondly, that’s probably not a person’s true self.

So the divorcee may have a different persona or character about them during this depressed time that they would not normally exhibit.  

So, the person being “dated” wouldn’t truly know the real person they were dating.

So, it’s honestly not fair to either person.

Another reason to postpone dating is because of the “emotional baggage”. I know this is a new buzz word, but emotional baggage is very real for those who have gone through divorce, especially if it was a long term or tumultuous relationship.

We can’t just immediately burn through all the emotions and feelings that come after ending a significant relationship. Those feelings and emotions need time to be processed. Some do this more quickly than others, but it still takes time.

If you rush into another relationship too quickly all of the old things that you used to do will follow you if you haven’t worked through them.

For example, if a person is the jealous type and that’s one of the reasons for the disintegration of the previous relationship, unless a person worked through those issues to become less jealous, they are going to take that same problem into the next relationship. This will likely have the same outcome as the first if the jealously continues.

So, before rushing into dating and trying to find that next relationship, make sure you’ve at least made your way through the 5 stages of grief and have worked through some of the issues that may have contributed to problems in your previous relationship.

Time is a Gift

March 8, 2010 at 10:30 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment
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You’ve heard the old cliche before, “Time is a Gift”.

But, to ask a divorced person if that is that is true, they may very well disagree. After divorce, “time” can seem quite the opposite of a gift, but more like an enemy.

There are days and nights that just seem to crawl agonizingly slow because of the loss that has occurred.

There are even some people, prior to the divorce who seemed to have had hardly a minute to spare and would wish for extra time during those previous day. But now, even for those, the day can’t seem to go by fast enough.

Divorce leaves people wishing for many things and one of those wishes is a rush for time to go by.

For those with that thought, the old adage “time heals all wounds” brings comfort.

Therefore, there are just pure wishes that the next day would come along for a chance at a brighter start.

Divorce can certainly be a major distraction, leaving hours, days, and months to pass with lack of focus. But Dr. John Gray, the author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” states “when you sabotage yourself with unnecessary distractions, you throw away the very precious gift of time”.

His point is don’t waste the opportunity that has presented itself on losing focus on what’s important, YOU!

People going through divorce want to rush through the healing process and eliminate all of the grief that has been forced upon them.

But out of some of the darkest points in people’s lives, have come some of the greatest feats and triumphs.

The same can be true of divorce.

This is a time that you can use to forgive yourself for mistakes made and forgive others for theirs. A time to reassess your needs, your wants, and your desires. A time to regain your emotional strength and discover a new life within you.

It certainly is true that healing from divorce will take time. However, as with all situations in life, we can use time as a tool.

If you’re going through divorce, this time can be used to work on you, to focus on you, and to take the steps that to build a new life and build new and existing friendships.

Time spent with good friends and family is a good way to comfort the soul. They will understand your need for time to heal. They can provide you a consoling ear, a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement to take advantage of new opportunities.

Don’t let divorce rob you of time, but use this time to your advantage. If not, the only one who will be cheated, is you.

So use this time to build stronger relationships with your family and friends, but also the relationship with yourself, which is the most important of all.

Time knows no friends and knows no enemies. It is indifferent.

So we can’t expect time to be benevolent and work for us, but must find ways to take advantage of it and use it for our favor.

“Carpe Diem!”

Divorce “To Do’s”

January 22, 2010 at 11:56 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment
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As you begin approaching the end of the divorce process, there are many items of “business” to take care of.

Your attorney may even hand you a laundry list, so to speak, of items that need to be handled or addressed upon the execution of the divorce decree.

Things such as:

  • Notifying your auto insurer of any changes in automobile drivers, ownership, and addresses
  • Writing a new will
  • Changing the beneficiary on your life insurance policy, if permissible under the divorce decree
  • Changing your name on your bank accounts and checks, or open new accounts in your name only

just to name a few.

 It can seem at times that much of the divorce process is the legal proceedings that are incurred. But as you know, the psychological aspects of divorce can linger even longer.

 So often we focus so intently on taking care of the legal side of the divorce, we shun the most important part, our mental well-being.

 Why is that?

         Is it because :

  • of denial
  • we’d just rather not deal with it due to the pain
  • the legal and emotional aspects are just too much to handle at once, both emotionally and financially, so we put off getting the emotional help we need
  • we don’t want to face the mistakes we may have made

 or

  • that you don’t even know what to do or where to start

 For many the shunning of our emotional well being is because of that last question.

 Many people have become so accustomed to doing things with their ex and living life for their ex, that they truly don’t know how to function by themselves anymore.

Many people even lose their identities and have forgotten what their own hopes, dreams, goals, and ambitions were.

They have forgotten what they like to do and even how to it.

This is especially the case for a stay-at-home mom that leaves the workforce for a long period of time.

 So how about a “laundry list” of “to-do’s” for that person the isn’t quite sure what is next?

  • First, begin with your health – make sure you’re exercising
  • Find a support group
  • Get out and do things with friends and family
  • Try something you’ve never done before
  • Keep a journal
  • Find hobbies that you have a passion for
  • Meditate

 Now, these are just a few suggestions to get you going. The idea is for you to create a to-do list of your own of things that you’d like to accomplish, try, and learn.

The goal of your to do list is to find things that please you and make you happy. Happiness starts within you.

 If you are struggling to deal with the emotional side of divorce, put it on your “to-do” list to get some help. It doesn’t imply there’s anything psychologically wrong with you, it just means you’re hurting and could use some extra help.

 So, start 2010 out right and make yourself a priority this year. Put yourself on your “To-Do’s”.

Wisdom In Action

January 7, 2010 at 12:49 pm | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment

“Wisdom is not the possession of knowledge, but the application of it.”  Coty Evans

How great is a gift if it’s never given?

How great is a mind if it’s never used?

How great is a soul if it’s never born?

How great is a product if it’s never manufactured?

Life always boils down to action!

Use your knowledge, begin acting on it,  so you will be thought of as wise.

Here we come New Year!

December 29, 2009 at 12:41 pm | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment
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Okay, it’s that time again: time for New Year’s Resolutions, getting the dust off, and trying new things.

It’s a time of new beginnings, leaving the past behind, moving forward, and getting excited about bigger and better things.

A New Year is a time of rejuvenation for many.

As we say goodbye to yesterday and this past year, we can set our sights on the visions that will make this year a new exciting adventure.

Join me this year and stretch the limits of your imagination. Venture out to try something new that you have always wanted to try. Capture a moment that has seemed elusive. Start on a journey that you have never begun.

Yes, it’s only the difference of one day between last year and the new year, but that one day can make all the difference in your thoughts and your future activities. That could be the day that you decide to transform your thoughts and actions to a life that you had only dreamt of before. That one day could be the difference between being who you are now and who you’ve always wanted to be.

Every success and venture starts one day.

Perhaps you’d like to join in and make January 1, 2010 the day that your new life begins.

Have a great New Year my friends. May you blessed in every way. Please let me know about your successes this year. I’d love to hear about them. They could help to keep us all encouraged.

The Blame Game in Divorce

October 12, 2009 at 11:17 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment
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When something difficult happens to us in life, most of us find it very easy to place blame on anyone but ourselves.

Remember when you were a child and your parents would approach you about something that you had done that was considered bad or wrong. The immediate reaction was typically, “I did not do it” and if at all possible, we blamed siblings, the dogs, the cats, ghosts, the babysitter, whoever we could think of so the responsibility did not fall on us. It’s almost comical looking back on creative we were, isn’t it?

When you’re a kid you learn quickly that with that acceptance of responsibility comes the possibility of pain. Sometimes it’s the pain of a belt, sticking your nose in the corner, or the punishment of being grounded.

As adults, we have a tendency to continue trying to avoid that possibility of hurt that may come with the responsibility of our acceptance for things that have occurred. Therefore, we often will blame others when faced with this option.

Divorce is no different.

A large percentage of those going through divorce will blame their spouse for the things that have gone wrong or for the failure of the marriage.

Maybe when you were a child you were able to convince your parents that you were not the one who did the “wrong” thing, but at the end of the day, you knew it was you.

So, you may have gotten away from the “physical” punishment aspect of it, but emotionally, you still had the burden. Certainly, some can let that burden go easier than others. But ultimately, the burden is still there.

Very few people are prepared to accept responsibility for their own contributions to the failure of their marriage. But whether you accept the responsibility for it or not, again, the burden will still be there.

For a while, blame may seem like the easy way out, the easy way to survive, or the easy way to cope.

But the reality is, this is a façade. This displacement of responsibility does not help one to move on, it only helps to hold on to resentment.

When I get my clients to a point of acceptance and willingness, then ask them the question if they believe they are completely free of blame from all responsibility for the failure in their marriage, 100% of them will say they had at least some percentage of the responsibility.

That may be hard statistic to handle for those in the midst of divorce. But taking responsibility can actually relieve the burden of guilt and begin moving you to a place of resolve. Some call it “getting the monkey off your back”.

So, please take responsibility for that which is yours so you can make motions to change the issue/s, as for the rest that wasn’t yours to claim, remember

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the perpetrator. 

 Let me leave you with these quotes:

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change”. 

(Dr. Robert Anthony)

 

“To find a fault it easy; to do better may be difficult”. (Plutarch)

 

I encourage you to comment on what you did or did not like about this blog!

 

Each journey has a risk

September 30, 2009 at 11:20 am | Posted in Personal | Leave a comment
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When we are contemplating whether or not to pursue something as adults, many things run through our minds:

  • Can we accomplish the task?
  • Will it be too difficult?
  • Is it worth my efforts?
  • How much time will it require?
  • Is it worth the risk?

When we were babies, how many times do you think we fell, before being able to walk?

When we were trying to talk, how many “goos” did we give it, before we uttered our first clear words?

When we first started trying to read, how choppy and illiterate were our sentences before reading our first congruent line.

For those of you that might be thinking to yourself right now, “Yeh, but those times were different; there weren’t any expectations or pressures on us.”

Are you kidding?

You don’t think your parents and family were urging you constantly to take those first steps, holding your little finger with one hand, while you waddled all around with those wobbly little legs.

You don’t think they were coaching you every day trying to get you to say “momma” and “dadda”, sounding like myna birds.

When it came time to reading, do you think they were reading to you for their health? No it was so you would learn how to read.

There were very high expectations for you to learn to do these things and constant pressure to do so.

The difference was the perception.

As a small child or baby, there were no perceived beliefs about failures and how that could stifle you if you didn’t accomplish the goal. There were no thoughts about the disappointment you would bring to yourself or others if you didn’t succeed.

There was just pure unadulterated effort no matter what the cost.

How many of us had or still have scars from all the times we fell down and busted our heads from trying to learn how to walk.

The scars and bruises are part of learning process.

Such is life. The scars and bruises we will endure are a part of life and help us to get where we need to go and do what we want to do. They shape and mold our “walk” and journey.

If we never got back up after falling, while learning how to walk, we would have continued to crawl.

So the question I have for us all is – how much greater things have we been able to accomplish by taking the risk and learning how to walk vs. if we had continued to crawl?

 

Would like to hear your comments and what you’ve been able to accomplish by taking the risks.

Every Other Weekend

September 27, 2009 at 12:01 pm | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment

Children are the embodiment of love. They are your gift and you are theirs. The love for a child certainly is like no other. Most parents describe it as unconditional.

 

You love your children when they drive you crazy. You love them when they’re being sweet. You love them when they’re filthy and you love them when they are weak.

 

You take your them to school, to their soccer games, and to the birthday parties too.

Your life revolves around your children.

 

What would your life be like without your children?

 

Because 50% of marriages result in divorce, this leaves half of all parents to answer this question upon receiving the custodial order of

EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. 

 

Having come from a divorced family at a very young age and having gone through a divorce myself, in which a child was involved, I know the pain from each side.

 

Imagine loving someone so much and only getting to see them every other weekend or perhaps even less.

 

A hero, a provider, a comforter, and a security, often times, that is what parents are in their children’s eyes.

 

When parents are together they generally provide a younger child with more emotional stability.

When they are around, children feel that the world is a secure place. They have no worries. They don’t have to worry what the future holds, why a parent no longer loves them, or what they did wrong to make them leave.

 

Too often when two people are going through a divorce they lose sight of the important things, like the children.

 

They believe that if they fight for full custody and try to keep the kids from the other parent as much as possible that they will be doing the kid a favor and providing them with a better life. However, frequently the fact is that it’s simply a fight out of spite and going to do the child more harm than good.

 

While you and your ex may no longer share your lives, the one thing you will always have in common is your child or children. And the common denominator is very likely, that they love you both very much. This is going to be a difficult transition for your children and every other weekend is certainly not common to them.

 

So if you can, try to put aside the differences that make you right or wrong or better or worse. Try to remember what’s best for the children in this situation – because this is not a choice for them at all.

 

Children are looking and longing for love. You can both give that to them by working together to make this as easy a transition as possible. Civility and kindness go a long way.

 

You are the example.

They will follow your lead.

 

It’s important to keep in mind what you’re truly fighting for.

 

Let’s face it divorce is painful enough.

Why make it more difficult for yourself and your children than it has to be?

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