The Blame Game in Divorce

When something difficult happens to us in life, most of us find it very easy to place blame on anyone but ourselves.

Remember when you were a child and your parents would approach you about something that you had done that was considered bad or wrong. The immediate reaction was typically, “I did not do it” and if at all possible, we blamed siblings, the dogs, the cats, ghosts, the babysitter, whoever we could think of so the responsibility did not fall on us. It’s almost comical looking back on creative we were, isn’t it?

When you’re a kid you learn quickly that with that acceptance of responsibility comes the possibility of pain. Sometimes it’s the pain of a belt, sticking your nose in the corner, or the punishment of being grounded.

As adults, we have a tendency to continue trying to avoid that possibility of hurt that may come with the responsibility of our acceptance for things that have occurred. Therefore, we often will blame others when faced with this option.

Divorce is no different.

A large percentage of those going through divorce will blame their spouse for the things that have gone wrong or for the failure of the marriage.

Maybe when you were a child you were able to convince your parents that you were not the one who did the “wrong” thing, but at the end of the day, you knew it was you.

So, you may have gotten away from the “physical” punishment aspect of it, but emotionally, you still had the burden. Certainly, some can let that burden go easier than others. But ultimately, the burden is still there.

Very few people are prepared to accept responsibility for their own contributions to the failure of their marriage. But whether you accept the responsibility for it or not, again, the burden will still be there.

For a while, blame may seem like the easy way out, the easy way to survive, or the easy way to cope.

But the reality is, this is a façade. This displacement of responsibility does not help one to move on, it only helps to hold on to resentment.

When I get my clients to a point of acceptance and willingness, then ask them the question if they believe they are completely free of blame from all responsibility for the failure in their marriage, 100% of them will say they had at least some percentage of the responsibility.

That may be hard statistic to handle for those in the midst of divorce. But taking responsibility can actually relieve the burden of guilt and begin moving you to a place of resolve. Some call it “getting the monkey off your back”.

So, please take responsibility for that which is yours so you can make motions to change the issue/s, as for the rest that wasn’t yours to claim, remember

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the perpetrator. 

 Let me leave you with these quotes:

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change”. 

(Dr. Robert Anthony)

 

“To find a fault it easy; to do better may be difficult”. (Plutarch)

 

I encourage you to comment on what you did or did not like about this blog!

 

Each journey has a risk

When we are contemplating whether or not to pursue something as adults, many things run through our minds:

• Can we accomplish the task?
• Will it be too difficult?
• Is it worth my efforts?
• How much time will it require?
• Is it worth the risk?

When we were babies, how many times do you think we fell, before being able to walk?

When we were trying to talk, how many “goos” did we give it, before we uttered our first clear words?

When we first started trying to read, how choppy and illiterate were our sentences before reading our first congruent line.

For those of you that might be thinking to yourself right now, “Yeh, but those times were different; there weren’t any expectations or pressures on us.”

Are you kidding?

You don’t think your parents and family were urging you constantly to take those first steps, holding your little finger with one hand, while you waddled all around with those wobbly little legs.

You don’t think they were coaching you every day trying to get you to say “momma” and “dadda”, sounding like myna birds.

When it came time to reading, do you think they were reading to you for their health? No it was so you would learn how to read.

There were very high expectations for you to learn to do these things and constant pressure to do so.

The difference was the perception.

As a small child or baby, there were no perceived beliefs about failures and how that could stifle you if you didn’t accomplish the goal. There were no thoughts about the disappointment you would bring to yourself or others if you didn’t succeed.

There was just pure unadulterated effort no matter what the cost.

How many of us had or still have scars from all the times we fell down and busted our heads from trying to learn how to walk.

The scars and bruises are part of learning process.

Such is life. The scars and bruises we will endure are a part of life and help us to get where we need to go and do what we want to do. They shape and mold our “walk” and journey.

If we never got back up after falling, while learning how to walk, we would have continued to crawl.

So the question I have for us all is – how much greater things have we been able to accomplish by taking the risk and learning how to walk vs. if we had continued to crawl?

 

Would like to hear your comments and what you’ve been able to accomplish by taking the risks.

Every Other Weekend

Children are the embodiment of love. They are your gift and you are theirs. The love for a child certainly is like no other. Most parents describe it as unconditional.

 

You love your children when they drive you crazy. You love them when they’re being sweet. You love them when they’re filthy and you love them when they are weak.

 

You take your them to school, to their soccer games, and to the birthday parties too.

Your life revolves around your children.

 

What would your life be like without your children?

 

Because 50% of marriages result in divorce, this leaves half of all parents to answer this question upon receiving the custodial order of

EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. 

 

Having come from a divorced family at a very young age and having gone through a divorce myself, in which a child was involved, I know the pain from each side.

 

Imagine loving someone so much and only getting to see them every other weekend or perhaps even less.

 

A hero, a provider, a comforter, and a security, often times, that is what parents are in their children’s eyes.

 

When parents are together they generally provide a younger child with more emotional stability.

When they are around, children feel that the world is a secure place. They have no worries. They don’t have to worry what the future holds, why a parent no longer loves them, or what they did wrong to make them leave.

 

Too often when two people are going through a divorce they lose sight of the important things, like the children.

 

They believe that if they fight for full custody and try to keep the kids from the other parent as much as possible that they will be doing the kid a favor and providing them with a better life. However, frequently the fact is that it’s simply a fight out of spite and going to do the child more harm than good.

 

While you and your ex may no longer share your lives, the one thing you will always have in common is your child or children. And the common denominator is very likely, that they love you both very much. This is going to be a difficult transition for your children and every other weekend is certainly not common to them.

 

So if you can, try to put aside the differences that make you right or wrong or better or worse. Try to remember what’s best for the children in this situation – because this is not a choice for them at all.

 

Children are looking and longing for love. You can both give that to them by working together to make this as easy a transition as possible. Civility and kindness go a long way.

 

You are the example.

They will follow your lead.

 

It’s important to keep in mind what you’re truly fighting for.

 

Let’s face it divorce is painful enough.

Why make it more difficult for yourself and your children than it has to be?

Nature to Nurture – What is your Nature?

There are several things that dictate whether or not a romantic relationship will work out.

One of those things is the nature of the two people involved. A person’s nature will determine how much nurturing is going to occur.

For example, let’s say one person in the relationship is very affectionate and enjoys giving and receiving attention. Now let’s say the other person is not very affectionate and isn’t really accustomed to giving attention. Those are two extremes in their natures.

If you are very affectionate and thrive from receiving attention, be cautious about entering into a relationship with someone who isn’t very affectionate. The lack of physical expression of love, for an attention seeker, can be quite harmful to the relationship.

The person who is seeking attention begins to feel deprived of one of their most important desires. When this wish is not met, the one who is looking for attention can go through various stages to find the attention they are seeking. They will typically seek this attention out from friends and family first. But friends and family can not provide the intimacy this person is looking for. Many times if the issue is not resolved, the person will either look to leave the relationship or find this more intimate attention from another lover.

So, be cautious when seeking a mate and attempt to find someone who is similar in nature.

No relationship is perfect and without problems, but finding someone with a similar nature will help to eliminate some obstacles that you will face.

So, spend some time determining what your nature is, so you can find the one you want to nurture.

What Does Your Past Tell YOU?

I have to begin by saying I love coaching. It’s just an insanely rewarding passion that I have.
And when people find out I’m a relationship coach, I usually get a lot of questions, when they get me in a one-on-one conversation.

So, I was speaking to a gentleman today in a casual conversation. We talked about many things, including several of his life experiences and his contemplation of how and why he is the way he is.
I’m sure most of us have deliberated that a time or two, right?   : )

At first he began telling me about his various accomplishments and things he really thought were good qualities about himself. But that was shortly followed with him expressing some things that he thought were really stifling him.

Okay, so now let’s get to the catch.

How many of us have these stifling beliefs about ourselves????  Be honest!
How many of us let those beliefs thwart our visions, dreams, and aspirations in not only our professional lives, but also our personal lives.
Is it a wonder why our relationships suffer so often?

So, back to the gentleman. In less than 45 minutes, I had this man in joyful tears through the empowering words and questions I had for him. These thought provoking comments and questions caused a huge shift in his perception about these so-called “stifling beliefs,” the ones he was allowing to dictate his behaviors.

He felt immediate relief that this negative association could now be transformed to be of use and benefit to him, as I showed him how to turn it into a positive association.

It’s quite interesting how we operate and gain our thoughts and beliefs of ourselves.
What happens is we let our past create our reality.
Think about that for a minute.
The majority of people let their past, create their reality.

So, how about trying it a new way?
Let go of the past and let your present and future thoughts create your new reality.

How much better and different would your life be?

Time – The Greatest Gift of All

When you think about the people that you love and how you can express that love, what do you think about?

For many, especially, some of us guys, that can be difficult, since we don’t typically think on an emotional level.

Well here’s a hint:

Two of the things that people hold very near and dear are Time and Money.

But, when you consider a relationship with those that are truly close to you, most people would say Time is the more precious gift of the two.

 A quote that I feel epitomizes this concept is by David Mace.

“One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time.”   

 

Time is one key way to let people know that you care about them.

What time are you are we putting into our relationships with the people we care about, not only with our spouses, but also our family and friends?

Think about what it means to you when someone wants to spend time with you. Does it make you feel better about yourself that someone is interested in being around you more often or does it make you feel worse about yourself. Well probably the former is true of the two options.

Long term relationships have less to do with the what you can tangibly provide someone with, but more to do with the quality of commitment they receive from you.

And the best way to show someone that you are committed to them is by spending time with them.

 

So if you want to begin improving your relationships with someone you know or care for, show them you care by offering the gift of time.

Will you give away or keep the farm?

In most cases, divorce is a splitting of emotional ties, as well as assets.

And for many, the two are very closely related.

Those going through divorce will face asset or debt negotiation or some combination of the two.

And people going through the divorce process cover the whole gamut of these negotiations.

• You have some spouses that will try their best to make an amicable split throughout the entire process.
• You have some that attempt to keep everything for themselves because they believe they are deserving. This could come from feeling they were mistreated during the relationship, either physically or verbally. Perhaps there was infidelity involved and they think that acquiring the majority of the assets is justified as an attempt at retribution.
• You will even have some spouses justify the desire to acquire the majority of assets because they feel their partner didn’t spend enough time with them or they didn’t feel their physical and emotional needs were met.
• Then you have some that are willing to let their Ex have everything.

This last reason is typically out of guilt. Perhaps the person feels guilty for asking for a divorce. They may feel guilty for having had an affair. They may feel guilty for not living up to what they believed was their duty in the relationship, or some may just want to be done with the whole relationship and the “turning over” of all the assets is an attempt as a “buy-out” from the spouse. And then finally, you have some that just wish to rid theirselves of all these items because they are painful or bad reminders of what has come.

Whichever position you find yourself in, please understand that at the beginning of the divorce proceedings most people are charged with a full range of emotions.

 This range of emotions leaves people experiencing a difficult time focusing for a variety of reasons.

It could be lack of a good diet or intake of adequate calories. Some people are so severely depressed about the circumstance, that they can’t stop being sad. For those that are angry, they can’t see straight because they are still breathing fire. Finally, some are still in the stuck in the hope that things will work out and that they and their Ex will get back together.

Whatever stage of grief you are in, denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance,

please be aware that you still have a future and need to negotiate what it will take for you to survive and have a reasonable lifestyle if possible.

You also need to understand that you have value and worth as well and giving away all your assets is not allowing yourself to be valued. By the same token, if you’re trying to take away all the assets in an attempt to “stick it to” the Ex, you’re basically stating that they have no or little value.

At some point this person meant something to you and you probably had adoration and respect for them. Remember they are still a human being and do have value as well.

Certainly there are extreme circumstances and those should be considered, but

Somewhere, as in everything in life, there is a balance;

 A balance for both of you.

So please be wise, sit down with a coach, attorney, and/or financial planner, and consider what your future outlook should be and what your needs are.

Don’t be so quick to give away the farm or so reticent to keep it, because this could end up costing you the ranch!

Coping With Divorce – One Day At A Time

Whether you were the person who favored divorce or the party who was totally unaware that there were even problems in the marriage, divorce is an experience that is comparable to losing a loved one to death.

And because of the significant loss, one will often experience the 5 stages of grief that are associated with the proceedings of divorce.

Those stages are in order:

1. Denial and Isolation – The tendency to deny the loss has taken place. Withdraw from our usual social contacts may occur. This stage may last a few moments, a few months, or a few years.
2. Anger – The grieving person may become furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if they are deceased) or at the world for letting it happen. A person may be angry with themselves for letting the event take place, even if realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining – The grieving person may make bargains with their spouse or even God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
4. Depression – The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance – This is when the anger, sadness, and mourning have tapered off.

        The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

 Often times the person who filed for divorce goes through these stages while still in the marriage, so by the time they file they have already moved to step 5, Acceptance.

 However, the person who was not contemplating divorce will have to begin the 5 stages upon the notification. This is one of the reasons that divorces become so adversarial because the couple is at two different stages of grief.

 The person who had no idea about the divorce is left wondering how can their spouse seem so uncaring and indifferent.

It’s because they have already gone through the stages.

Women in particular will contemplate divorce for up to five years before filing. So at the end of the five years, they have been at the acceptance level for possibly quite some time. 

 Going through these 5 stages of grief during divorce can be a long or short process depending on the amount of time that you were with your spouse, the intensity of your relationship, and the reasons for the disintegration of the relationship.

 If you find yourself going through these feelings, please understand you are human and this is normal and real. You are not the only one who has experienced this and you are not abnormal.

These emotions are completely normal and necessary to cope with such a significant injury.

 This process will take time and there will be days that you feel more sad, angry, and depressed than others. There may be days that you are elated at the outlook of your new future, only to find the next day you are severely depressed again.

Going through divorce will be like being on a roller coaster. That is to be expected. There are a lot of ups and downs.

 So, simply take one day at a time. Try not to make rushed or rash decisions, especially right after you become aware of the divorce. Your emotions will typically run very high, so try to hesitate on making longer term decisions and it may be a good idea to run the ideas across your attorney or a friend.

 Understanding that these stages are a natural process, can help you to move forward knowing that in time things will get better.

So, don’t rush and be wise.

 

THE RIDE

Life is dynamic, meaning it’s always changing. This means there will always be different series of events; some good, some bad.

In the movie Parenthood, the grandmother described life as a roller coaster. She spoke of the ups and downs and the excitement that comes with that.

The ups and downs are the primary reason most people enjoy roller coasters. If the ride ran flat all of the time, it probably wouldn’t be very exciting.

Life is similar. It’s full of ups and downs or highs and lows. If there were always highs, then you wouldn’t appreciate them as much when they occurred. We’d probably take them for granted. On the contrary, if there were constantly lows, then we would become frustrated from never experiencing the highs.

As a coach I watch people react to various life events and see how they let that affect their future course or happiness. It’s amazing how many of us are stifled by life’s events. We let one or two events prevent us from moving forward and lose our momentum, so that we can’t get back to the upside of the roller coaster.

Divorce is one of those significant life events that has its way of stealing a person’s momentum and desire to get back onto the ride. However, through great pain can come great experience and great learning. Without making it to the bottom of the roller coaster, you’d never be able to make it back to the top with exhilaration. As difficult as divorce may be, many divorcees find that there is a lot that can be learned that will help them to thrive in the future. These individuals seek new opportunities and take the risks in the hope of getting back to the top of that coaster knowing that the soaring heights and beautiful view will help them to get through the next tough time they endure.

No one is immune to heartache, dismay, or hurt. Everyone rides the roller coaster of life. That’s not an option.

The choice is, will you choose to get onto the roller coaster again willingly so you can get to that next high quicker or will you choose to wait and stay riding low with no chance of exhilaration. For those of you that are ready to get back on, you may even try a bigger coaster that you’ve never tried before.

Happiness is not something that finds us, we have to find our happiness. Many people wait a lifetime for this only to find that Life and Happiness are what we make of it.

Life is about choices and experiences. The options are yours.

What Experiences will you create?

Control or change, They may be one in the same

I read a funny story today about God, Adam, and Eve.

The message proclaimed, “Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that, even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

It spoke of how children and grandchildren rarely heed the warnings or instructions that parents give to them. The point was that when you’re frustrated with your children and your inability to control them, remember even God couldn’t control Adam and Eve.

Eve still ate the apple.

I thought that was a very interesting analogy and that the same principle of trying to control people’s behaviors transcended over into relationships, primarily spousal relationships.

Many people go into their relationships thinking they’re going to be able to control or change certain behaviors of their spouse.

For example, the woman may be thinking “oh when we get married I can get him to save money or stop watching TV so much”. The man might be thinking that the woman he is with spends too much money and that once they solidify the relationship, she’ll stop spending so much.

I myself, am a clean freak, and often want my spouse to clean up after herself more than she desires to. My efforts to try to get her to conform have been met with failure. And her attempts to have me gain a greater affection for her cats have been in vain.

What’s more funny or ridiculous, is that neither of us have given up on these efforts to transform the other after 3 ½ years.

You know what they say about insanity….It’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So I guess call me insane!

Trying to change people is an attempt at control.

If you’re ever interested in trying to let go of some of your control issues, go get a book entitled “THE FIVE THINGS YOU CAN’T CHANGE” by Henry Cloud. One of the points he illustrates is that you can not change people.

If you’re still trying to change your spouse or control their behaviors, it is very unlikely that the change will occur and typically the more you pressure the issue, the more bitter and resentful your spouse will become.

So, please proceed with caution, Trying to change them is probably a futile effort.