Coping With Divorce – One Day At A Time

Whether you were the person who favored divorce or the party who was totally unaware that there were even problems in the marriage, divorce is an experience that is comparable to losing a loved one to death.

And because of the significant loss, one will often experience the 5 stages of grief that are associated with the proceedings of divorce.

Those stages are in order:

1. Denial and Isolation – The tendency to deny the loss has taken place. Withdraw from our usual social contacts may occur. This stage may last a few moments, a few months, or a few years.
2. Anger – The grieving person may become furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if they are deceased) or at the world for letting it happen. A person may be angry with themselves for letting the event take place, even if realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining – The grieving person may make bargains with their spouse or even God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
4. Depression – The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance – This is when the anger, sadness, and mourning have tapered off.

        The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

 Often times the person who filed for divorce goes through these stages while still in the marriage, so by the time they file they have already moved to step 5, Acceptance.

 However, the person who was not contemplating divorce will have to begin the 5 stages upon the notification. This is one of the reasons that divorces become so adversarial because the couple is at two different stages of grief.

 The person who had no idea about the divorce is left wondering how can their spouse seem so uncaring and indifferent.

It’s because they have already gone through the stages.

Women in particular will contemplate divorce for up to five years before filing. So at the end of the five years, they have been at the acceptance level for possibly quite some time. 

 Going through these 5 stages of grief during divorce can be a long or short process depending on the amount of time that you were with your spouse, the intensity of your relationship, and the reasons for the disintegration of the relationship.

 If you find yourself going through these feelings, please understand you are human and this is normal and real. You are not the only one who has experienced this and you are not abnormal.

These emotions are completely normal and necessary to cope with such a significant injury.

 This process will take time and there will be days that you feel more sad, angry, and depressed than others. There may be days that you are elated at the outlook of your new future, only to find the next day you are severely depressed again.

Going through divorce will be like being on a roller coaster. That is to be expected. There are a lot of ups and downs.

 So, simply take one day at a time. Try not to make rushed or rash decisions, especially right after you become aware of the divorce. Your emotions will typically run very high, so try to hesitate on making longer term decisions and it may be a good idea to run the ideas across your attorney or a friend.

 Understanding that these stages are a natural process, can help you to move forward knowing that in time things will get better.

So, don’t rush and be wise.

 

THE RIDE

Life is dynamic, meaning it’s always changing. This means there will always be different series of events; some good, some bad.

In the movie Parenthood, the grandmother described life as a roller coaster. She spoke of the ups and downs and the excitement that comes with that.

The ups and downs are the primary reason most people enjoy roller coasters. If the ride ran flat all of the time, it probably wouldn’t be very exciting.

Life is similar. It’s full of ups and downs or highs and lows. If there were always highs, then you wouldn’t appreciate them as much when they occurred. We’d probably take them for granted. On the contrary, if there were constantly lows, then we would become frustrated from never experiencing the highs.

As a coach I watch people react to various life events and see how they let that affect their future course or happiness. It’s amazing how many of us are stifled by life’s events. We let one or two events prevent us from moving forward and lose our momentum, so that we can’t get back to the upside of the roller coaster.

Divorce is one of those significant life events that has its way of stealing a person’s momentum and desire to get back onto the ride. However, through great pain can come great experience and great learning. Without making it to the bottom of the roller coaster, you’d never be able to make it back to the top with exhilaration. As difficult as divorce may be, many divorcees find that there is a lot that can be learned that will help them to thrive in the future. These individuals seek new opportunities and take the risks in the hope of getting back to the top of that coaster knowing that the soaring heights and beautiful view will help them to get through the next tough time they endure.

No one is immune to heartache, dismay, or hurt. Everyone rides the roller coaster of life. That’s not an option.

The choice is, will you choose to get onto the roller coaster again willingly so you can get to that next high quicker or will you choose to wait and stay riding low with no chance of exhilaration. For those of you that are ready to get back on, you may even try a bigger coaster that you’ve never tried before.

Happiness is not something that finds us, we have to find our happiness. Many people wait a lifetime for this only to find that Life and Happiness are what we make of it.

Life is about choices and experiences. The options are yours.

What Experiences will you create?

Control or change, They may be one in the same

I read a funny story today about God, Adam, and Eve.

The message proclaimed, “Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that, even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

It spoke of how children and grandchildren rarely heed the warnings or instructions that parents give to them. The point was that when you’re frustrated with your children and your inability to control them, remember even God couldn’t control Adam and Eve.

Eve still ate the apple.

I thought that was a very interesting analogy and that the same principle of trying to control people’s behaviors transcended over into relationships, primarily spousal relationships.

Many people go into their relationships thinking they’re going to be able to control or change certain behaviors of their spouse.

For example, the woman may be thinking “oh when we get married I can get him to save money or stop watching TV so much”. The man might be thinking that the woman he is with spends too much money and that once they solidify the relationship, she’ll stop spending so much.

I myself, am a clean freak, and often want my spouse to clean up after herself more than she desires to. My efforts to try to get her to conform have been met with failure. And her attempts to have me gain a greater affection for her cats have been in vain.

What’s more funny or ridiculous, is that neither of us have given up on these efforts to transform the other after 3 ½ years.

You know what they say about insanity….It’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So I guess call me insane!

Trying to change people is an attempt at control.

If you’re ever interested in trying to let go of some of your control issues, go get a book entitled “THE FIVE THINGS YOU CAN’T CHANGE” by Henry Cloud. One of the points he illustrates is that you can not change people.

If you’re still trying to change your spouse or control their behaviors, it is very unlikely that the change will occur and typically the more you pressure the issue, the more bitter and resentful your spouse will become.

So, please proceed with caution, Trying to change them is probably a futile effort.

Improve your odds at a successful relationship

As a relationship coach and a facilitator of divorce recovery workshops, I see alot of turmoil involved in relationships. The issues cover the entire spectrum, from infidelity, lack of sexual encounters, lack or respect, to rearing of children.

The divorce rates are staggering. They are 50% for the first marriage, 67% for the second, and 74% for the third. So by the time you’re on your third marriage, you only have a 26% chance of a successful relationship. You’d think by the third time, people would have relationships down to an art, but the opposite is typically the case.

This is because we have a tendency to stay intertwined in our old habits. These are usually the habits that brought about the demise of the first, second, and third relationship/s.

So here are two ways to avoid the increased likelihood of a failed relationship. 

They are:

Firstly, work on self-growth and getting rid of the old habits. For example, if you know you are anal-retentive, perhaps you can begin working towards not needing everything be perfect, so you don’t drive others mad with your compulsiveness. This is something I certainly have to work on.  : )

If you know that you are a slob and it tends to cause problems in your relationship, begin taking some steps on becoming less of a slob. For instance, start putting up your shoes and picking your clothes up off the floor. It seriously does not take even two minutes and can make a huge difference in not driving your spouse bonkers.

Secondly, find someone more compatible or that shares your same interests, this could even include sharing your bad habits. Oddly enough two slobs living together will most likely be more harmonious vs. a slob and a neat freak living together.

It’s extremely important when choosing a mate, to look for someone with similar goals and values. I can’t emphasize this enough.

So, do yourself a favor if you want a greater chance at a successful relationship, choose your mate wisely and be diligent with your criteria and never stop working on bettering yourself and eliminating those pesty old habits.

Peace of Mind

Often times when people are going through divorce, peace of mind is the last thing on their mind.

Understandably, people get caught up in the emotional and legal aspects of divorce and all the circumstances that surround it. From the legal perspective, they focus on things such as the custodial rights of the children that they will be seeking. They focus on the property settlement or the asset distribution.

From the emotional side, they wonder about the injustice of the treatment from their soon to be Ex-Spouse. For example, why did he or she have an affair?

Some divorcees focus on the anger or resentment that they are carrying because life did not turn out the way they had planned. There are those that have a difficult time letting go of guilt because they believe that they could have done more to save the marriage, but it was too late. Then there are those that are suffering an immense sadness because of the great loss of their loved one that they had hoped to spend the rest of their life with.

 

Divorce leaves people feeling a broad spectrum of emotions. Unfortunately, most of them are debilitating or negative emotions, like sadness, anger, resentment, regret, or anxiety.

Very few people going through divorce are able to do so in a “peace of mind” manner.

The stakes seem to be too high. There are a lot of issues to contend with, even for those that are seeking or desire the divorce.

 

So how does one achieve this Peace of Mind in the midst of divorce?

Here are some things that can help:

First, take time on a regular basis to think about what would make you really happy in each area of your life. Begin to meditate on these things and visualize yourself in these scenarios that would bring about this happiness.

Second, set specific, measurable goals for improvement in your relationships, your health, your work, and your finances and write them down.

Third, resolve to do something every day to increase the quality of some area of your life and then keep your resolution.

 

Peace of mind is essential for happiness. The greater your peace of mind, the more relaxed and positive you are, the less stress you suffer, and the better your overall health will be.

 

Divorce is very challenging to your peace of mind. However taking the action steps listed above will help to overcome the obstacles and expedite the time it does take to achieve Your Peace Of Mind.

New Year’s Resolutions

 

 

The new year is almost here!

It’s time for New Year’s resolutions and new beginnings. It’s a time to let go of the past and focus on the future and the New Year that is upon us.

 

Many people in life have a tendency to get caught up in the past, even though nothing can be done to change it. Some stay fixated on things like blame, denial, depression, wanting, confusion, obstacles, uncertainty, and loneliness. They find it challenging to get out of the rut that continues to plague them. I liken it to quick sand.

 

The more you struggle, the faster you sink.

 

This is true with staying fixated or focused on the past. It only serves to harm you and take you further from where you probably want to be.

 

Tony Robbins, the famous Motivational Guru has this to say about Focus:

“It’s not what’s happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become. Rather, it’s your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you’re going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny.”

 

Certainly, it’s a good idea to occasionally reflect on circumstances that you have gone through in your life, but remaining fixated on them, will only serve to stunt your personal growth.

 

When you’re facing certain situations, such as divorce, new relationships, new careers, or having children, you are forced in many ways to have new beginnings. In many ways you have to start over. Some of these situations are very difficult to face and endure, but you can

 

Use this as an opportunity to set Your rules and make the changes that you’ve wanted to make.

 

So, what new things would you like to try this year? Who’s the person you would like to be?

Would you like to go back to school, change careers, take up cooking, dancing, hiking, sports, traveling, scrap-booking, hunting, or exercise?

 

The point is Don’t let the past hold you from the future.

It’s now time to embrace the New Year and move forward to a vibrant, prosperous life. Like the old cliché states “There’s no better time to get started than the present.”

 

Don’t let your past keep you from happiness.  And remember that your Happiness is found within yourself.

We can not depend on others to satisfy our needs or make us happy. That notion will not work. It’s been tried and proven and the result is it’s up to each of us to find our own happiness.

 

So what’s the key to happiness you might ask.

It is the peace of knowing that we try to make the right choices, that we live with integrity, that we’re honest, that we’re living with passion, and that we try to be the best person we can be.

Happiness is being the person you want to be.

Don’t let anyone, including yourself, hold you back from that.

Setting new goals for the new year and making positive New Year’s resolutions will help to propel you toward  this happiness.

 

Don’t just say you’re going to take actions toward your New Year’s resolutions this year though, Get our there and do what you’ve been wanting to do. This is your time. Free yourself from the life that is behind you and begin to live with a vitality that has been deep inside of you, the one in which can propel you to the person you’ve always wanted to be and that you’ve always known you were.

 

Remember you are not defined by a moment, but a lifetime of moments.

 

Define yourself this year.

Start your New Year with New Beginnings

Find your happiness and New Life beginning now!

      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Improve Your Communication to Enhance Your Relationships, Sales, or Business

Recently I attended a seminar put on by the Texas High Achievers here in Houston. The featured Speaker was Bob Nicholl, author of “Remember The Ice”. This was a great event. Bob was motivating and contagious.

His story is simple, but powerful.

He said one day while living in Phoenix Arizona during the hottest part of the summer,  he went into a convenience store that he had been frequenting for a while. He asked the guy at the local convenient store how his ice sales were. The store owner told him, “honestly not very good”.

Bob thought that was awfully strange since it was the middle of summer in one of the hottest locations in the United States. But, what Bob had already noticed many times before were the signs on the two registers  that stated “Don’t Forget The Ice”.

So Bob asked the store owner if he had a pen and a piece of paper that he could write on. Then, Bob wrote down on the paper “Remember The Ice“.  He asked the store owner to please take down the old sign “Don’t Forget The Ice” and put up the new one that read “Remember The Ice“.

So, the store owner did as Bob had asked. Bob said he came back in a few weeks and asked how the store owner how his ice sales were again. The guy grabbed him and said “what did you do, my ice says have skyrocketed”?

He asked the clerk, if I tell you don’t think of the word blue, what do you think of? Immediately you think of the word blue. He said if you tell someone to forget something, that’s exactly what they’re going to do. The store clerk understood right away. It was his word choice that boosted the sale of ice.

Bob says there are 7 naughty words that you should remove from your vocabulary to increase the effectiveness of your communication.  He said these naughty words leave our communication all “knotted” up.

The “not-ty” words are:

Not, Don’t Can’t, Won’t, Wouldn’t, Couldn’t, Shouldn’t.

See, Bob’s message is that word choice is of the utmost importance. It’s how we can turn ineffective communication to effective communication and understanding.

Try it for yourself. Take the “not-ty” words from your vocabulary and see how your communication in your relationships, job, business, and sales improves.

I’d love to hear your replies once you’ve tried.

 

To find out more about Bob Nicholl and Remember the Ice visit:

www.remembertheice.com

 

 

 

Hurricane Ike

Well Hurricane Ike has come and gone. What a mess he left behind. Tonya and I surely felt the affects of this storm. The major portion of the storm started around 12a.m. The winds initially coming out of the Northeast, then changed directions around 2am. coming from the southeast. This is when things got a bit ugly.
Tonya and I lost a good portion of our shingles, exposing our roof, leaving us to take on alot of water. Thankfully we were here to play what I call the “bucket game”, utilizing every bucket available to catch as much water as possible. We emptied every Christmas storage container, pet food container, and utilized as much large tupperware as we had. After playing the bucket game for about 5 hours, we retired as we knew we had been beaten. We had run out of buckets and were no longer able to play the game.
About 1/2 of our home will have to be replaced, but we were luckier than many. The poor residents of Galveston were decimated. Please let’s send our prayers, thoughts, and charity to them to give them a hand to rebuild and try to begin normalcy.
This certainly proves once again that life is fragile. We never know what life has in store for us and there are no guarantees. Proving that flexibility is a must to be able to “weather the storms”.

May God bless all those that have been affected by this storm.

What’s driving you?

The Nature vs. Nurture has been one in long contention. It’s my theory that we are a product of both. Our Genetic Makeup certainly gives us our appearance, our height, our eyes, our nose, etc. and even potentially some of our psychological characteristics. But, I think nurture certainly plays a large role as well. This argument could be verified by taking a quick glance at our behaviors. For example, if a person grows up in an abusive environment, it’s likely that they too will become an abusive or violent person. If you don’t believe me, check the statistics. If someone grows up in an environment where there’s a lot of hugging and affection shown, it’s likely that that child will be affectionate as well. These are learned behaviors.

Think about yourself and your behaviors. 

Do you like to cook because your mom was a good cook? Are you a huge sports fan because your father was always watching sports? Are you a huge pet lover because you have always had pets around?

Now, psychologists they like to blame our mothers for things. Moms definitely get the brunt end of things where this is concerned. Okay, mom may be partly to blame for our weirdness, but certainly as adults we have the choice to continue in our “strange” behaviors.

 

So, I was talking to a client today and she was talking about the driving factors of her behaviors. She had gone to a weekend self-help seminar and learned some interesting things about herself. She learned that she thought of herself as incompetent and spoiled. And it’s been these behaviors that have driven her attitudes about how she views others. We have a tendency to see things in others that we don’t like about ourselves. It’s strange how that works isn’t it?

What’s really interesting about it all, is that it is perception. She had somehow learned and perceived as a little child that to be competent meant getting rewards for things, whether it was a A on a report card or a pat on the back from a parent. Competence in her mind meant receiving some sort of affirmation or validation from others. How many of us think that? It’s more common than we might think. However, according to the dictionary Competence is the ability to perform a specific task, action or function successfully.

Now of course, success can be a perception as well. Some people might define success in different ways. Some people may think they’re successful if they have a great job, making lots of money, and have a great career title, while others may think success is being a great stay-at-home mom. Some people might define success as how they treat others. There are many ways people can define success, therefore many ways that competence can also be defined or “perceived.”

To me it’s a matter of semantics, but you can be your own judge.

My goal with my client was to shift her perception of what it meant to be competent, so that she would begin to see that she does not need outside sources to validate that she indeed is a competent, capable, intelligent woman.

Through a little strategy and word playing she came to realize that perhaps her perception about her competence was a “little-child-like”.

We do not need outside sources to know that we’re competent, that we’re a good person, that we’re intelligent, or that we are successful. We all have everything we need to be all that we can be, it’s just a matter of shifting our thought patterns to actually believing that we can.

 

 

My Trip to D.C.

Whew! Tonya and I just got back from Washington D.C. What a trip!!!!!!!!

We went for my cousin’s wedding, but somehow mananged to miss the wedding. All the girls went into D.C. to get their hair done for the wedding and couldn’t quite figure out the Metro transit system and they ended up on the wrong line. We did make the reception though.

The trip started with Tonya and I making the plane check in literally 3 minutes before the cut-off. Then we had lay-over in Jackson Mississippi that resulted in an hour long wait due to the pouring rain. This adventrure followed by the 5 hour car trip to the rehearsal dinner which should’ve only taken 1 1/2 hours. The traffic was insane………That put us late to the rehearsal dinner as well……So, yes we missed the wedding and a good portion of the rehearsal dinner. If you’re going to invite my family to a wedding, make sure to tell them it’s 2 hours earlier than it really is because God knows they’re going to be late and have to stop to eat before they go anywhere, even if there’s food at the final destination!!!!!!!!

We used the Metro system to get around a good bit and finally got a handle on it, but throughout the course of the week, managed to miss two lines, had to pay twice for the same trip b/c it was rush hour, and watch a girl run face first right into one of the poles that people use to hold onto. Of course, there is more to it than just this, but I didn’t want to write a novel  : )

One of the last days we were there we went to King’s Dominion(an amusement park). Towards the end of the day, my sister Allison, got very disoriented and was having vertigo. We had to call the park EMS to come escort her out to the front in a wheelchair, but certainly not before finding and eating a funnel cake….Everyone has their priorities.

And the highlight was Tonya and I got engaged. I asked her in front of the Lincoln Monument. Abe is one of her heroes. I wanted to make it “monumental”……. : )

Check out some of the pics on FaceBook.   Look for Coty Evans in Houston, Tx

and check out my website:   www.coachcoty.com