Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I was speaking with a colleague earlier this week and he brought his personal life up. He began talking about how he and his significant other have been broken up for almost one year. However, he’s still experiencing the pangs of the split. They are still friends and around each other frequently which makes it difficult to move on. They have the same group of friends as well, another reason it’s difficult to sever the ties. It reminds me of Ross and Rachel of “Friends”. My colleague still loves his Ex very much and believes the feeling is mutual. So the obvious question is “well why don’t you two get back together”? He replied, “well it’s complicated…………”.

As a relationship coach, I hear that answer frequently. When you have two people that care for one another, share a home, friends, money, etc., it’s difficult to just move on without feeling that deep inner-struggle about how you should proceed.

He proceeded to tell me why it was complicated. He said “we’re just different. My Ex is the artsy type, creative, passionate, more of a Type B. However, I’m more of a Type A, liking structure and discipline, and look at things very logically”.

The old Type A vs. Type B…………not an uncommon problem. It’s actually a very common issue that causes discontent and troubles in relationships. So it’s probably not as complicated as he might think. It’s simply a matter of compatibility.

My colleague said he thought he and the Ex were meant to be.  He’s spoken to his Ex about this and explained to the Ex that it was inevitable, but that it would just take time before they were together again. My colleague seemed to find some comfort in his own statement. He believes that the Ex just has some more “growing up” to do, as the Ex is about 10 years younger.  

After listening to his comments about this tumultuous relationship they had been engaged in for seven years, I had to start asking some questions and pointing out some points of interest.

I mentioned that one of the more common problems in relationships is that people have different core values or sets of standards that they abide by. People can also have very different Life Goals. Often times in the beginning of a relationship we’re not engaging in these types of conversations to see where our “potential” mate stands on important topics such as goals, money, children, religion, etc…… 

Not knowing or understanding how your mate feels about these things is like jumping out of an airplane not knowing if you chute will open. You’re walking into things totally blinded. Once we’re in the relationship for a while, we start seeing and experiencing all of the differences. Then we try to see if we can get our significant other to “change their ways”. If they love you, they’ll change right????????   Sorry folks, it’s not likely, especially if they are core values and goals. We as humans are creatures of habit and we typically detest change. We like to stay in our comfort zones. So to expect someone to conform to “our ways” is probably like expecting to hit the lottery. The chances are slim.

I’m not trying to be a pessimist or discourage people regarding relationships, that’s just the reality of who we are and how we generally behave.

My colleague heard what I was saying and I knew that he already had a sense of this notion. I could see it is his face, but he had convinced himself that they could make it work. I simply asked him to put some more time into the reality of the situation before jumping back in.

Breaking up is hard to do. We like to be comfortable and don’t like enduring heartbreak and heartache. We get comfortable being with someone and are willing to risk the turmoil of the relationship vs. the change of being alone. Often times we know that the relationship is unhealthy, but just can’t quite figure out how to make the break.

Check out my website at:

www.coachcoty.com

 

 

 

Disconnect with your spouse

I’m having lunch with a friend yesterday and she mentions that she feels disconnected from her spouse.  Unfortunately, this is a complaint I hear often, so I wanted to blog about it a little today.

So what is disconnect with your spouse and how do you know if you’re disconnected?

Disconnect would be if you feel like you are not connected with your spouse, mind, body, and soul. This could be present itself as lack of communication or quality of communication. It could also surface as lack of physical intimacy, or agreement on matters.

Often times in the beginning of a relationship we feel a strong “Connect” with our mate. Typically we are heavily involved in conversations trying to learn more about one another. We spend alot of time together and there is usually an increased frequency of sexual encounters. This is known as the “honeymoon phase”. The honeymoon phase can range from about six months to two years, depending on the couple.

But then the honeymoon phase ends and many people start feeling themselves disconnecting with their mate. The long conversations you used to have diminished and the frequency of sexual encounters has decreased significantly. All of a sudden your mate in spending more time at work, they’re always tired, or they would just rather watch TV.

Wow! Now what do I do? 

The answer is communication.

You need to try and find a way to keep communication alive in your relationship. You need to be able to convey your needs to your mate and your mate receive them. Often times this is very challenging. You may have to seek help for this from a relationship coach or counselor, depending on the type of communicator you and your spouse are.

Tony Robbins describes effective communication as only being effective if you receive the response you want. So, using badgering or pestering is probably not going to be an effective way for you to try and have your needs fulfilled. The better option is try to learn what communication style your mate uses or responds best to. Once you have that figured out, try and approach them in that style.

But how can communication help me to increase the number of times we are “intimate”?

Again, if you can effectively communicate your needs to your mate, then your mate will understand that intimacy is a desire of yours that you want fulfilled. Without communicating this in an effective manner, they may not know that this a problem for you.

Communication is the core of any successful relationship. A relationship in which you feel “connected” to your spouse, mind, body, and soul.

check out my website at :  www.coachcoty.com or email me at coty@coachcoty.com

The Secret

Tonya and I met a couple today. They had been married for 40 years. As is always, when we come across couples that have endured marriage for an extended period of time, we always ask:

So what is your secret?

They’re answer was never shout at each other and never argue in front of the children. So basically I asked them, it’s about respect right? They agreed that that was it.

Respect has to be a key component in any successful relationship. Without it, your relationship will be out of balance and most likely falter. So few couples have total respect in their relationships anymore. So, it’s no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

Tonya and I are always pleased to meet people that have been married so long and see the joy that they still have in their lives. It inspires hope and let’s face it without hope, there’s not much left.

As a Life coach specializing in coaching couples, I certainly know most of the rules that I should play by in order to make my relationship last. So, I hope that I can be as fortunate as that couple we met and have a long successful relationship too.

A No-Brainer

One of my friends asked me for some coaching advice over the weekend.  She said I’m pretty sure I already know the answer but I want to see what you have to say about it.

The query concerned her current job status. Should she stay at her current job or go back to her old one? The old company was going to be giving her more money and bring her in as a consultant vs. a “regular” employee, so she would have alot more flexibility as well…….. Seems like a No-brainer right?

With more flexibility and more money, what left is there to think about? It should be a simple and quick decision.

But………….wait……….. Very rarely are decisions that clear cut.

Are there benefits that you would lose, is there opportunity for growth at the “better” job, will you have the social aspect that you enjoy with this current job, what will the travel time be?????? 

These are some of the questions I posed to her.

She soon realized that the decision wasn’t quite so clear cut. She said she was going to take a month or so to think about it. I repeat, she said another month.

The point is that often times the answer might seem to be a “No-Brainer”, but often times that’s just not the case.

That’s what coaches do, they help people to discover and culitvate what is best for them not only for the short term, but for the long term too. So, now my friend has to deliberate a bit more to see if this is something that is not only good for the “now”, but also for the future.

To learn more about coaching, check out my website at :  www.coachcoty.com