When something difficult happens to us in life, most of us find it very easy to place blame on anyone but ourselves.
Remember when you were a child and your parents would approach you about something that you had done that was considered bad or wrong. The immediate reaction was typically, “I did not do it” and if at all possible, we blamed siblings, the dogs, the cats, ghosts, the babysitter, whoever we could think of so the responsibility did not fall on us. It’s almost comical looking back on creative we were, isn’t it?
When you’re a kid you learn quickly that with that acceptance of responsibility comes the possibility of pain. Sometimes it’s the pain of a belt, sticking your nose in the corner, or the punishment of being grounded.
As adults, we have a tendency to continue trying to avoid that possibility of hurt that may come with the responsibility of our acceptance for things that have occurred. Therefore, we often will blame others when faced with this option.
Divorce is no different.
A large percentage of those going through divorce will blame their spouse for the things that have gone wrong or for the failure of the marriage.
Maybe when you were a child you were able to convince your parents that you were not the one who did the “wrong” thing, but at the end of the day, you knew it was you.
So, you may have gotten away from the “physical” punishment aspect of it, but emotionally, you still had the burden. Certainly, some can let that burden go easier than others. But ultimately, the burden is still there.
Very few people are prepared to accept responsibility for their own contributions to the failure of their marriage. But whether you accept the responsibility for it or not, again, the burden will still be there.
For a while, blame may seem like the easy way out, the easy way to survive, or the easy way to cope.
But the reality is, this is a façade. This displacement of responsibility does not help one to move on, it only helps to hold on to resentment.
When I get my clients to a point of acceptance and willingness, then ask them the question if they believe they are completely free of blame from all responsibility for the failure in their marriage, 100% of them will say they had at least some percentage of the responsibility.
That may be hard statistic to handle for those in the midst of divorce. But taking responsibility can actually relieve the burden of guilt and begin moving you to a place of resolve. Some call it “getting the monkey off your back”.
So, please take responsibility for that which is yours so you can make motions to change the issue/s, as for the rest that wasn’t yours to claim, remember
Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the perpetrator.
Let me leave you with these quotes:
“When you blame others, you give up your power to change”.
(Dr. Robert Anthony)
“To find a fault it easy; to do better may be difficult”. (Plutarch)
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Posted by Coty Evans 