Don’t Rush In
March 8, 2010 at 10:35 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a commentTags: 5 stages of grief, dating, divorce, jealousy
One of the more common questions after divorce is -
“How long should I wait before dating or getting into another relationship?”
This is a good question.
Many, while going through the divorce process or shortly after, feel like they’re ready to get out there and date again.
The primary reason for this is typically a lack of companionship which causes them to feel lonely.
The experts recommend waiting one year for every four years of marriage. So for example, if a couple was married eight years, the recommended reprieve from dating would be two years.
While some may be fine with that wait, I know others would think to themselves, “yeah right, that’s ridiculous, I’m not waiting that long”.
While I can’t say I blame you for the attempt to rush back into dating or another relationship, there are many reasons the experts give the advice they do about the wait.
Let’s take a look at a couple.
One reason is related to the 5 stages of grief. They are:
1. Denial – denying the event took place
2. Anger – a person may be mad at the ex or themselves for the divorce
3. Bargaining – making bargains to try to take away or make up for the loss
4. Depression – feeling sad, lonely, and numb
5. Acceptance – accepting the reality of the loss
Unless someone is in the fifth stage, acceptance, all the other stages will have an affect on their ability to be emotionally ready for another relationship.
Imagine if a person is still angry with their ex over the divorce. That anger is going to manifest in other areas of their life, including their interactions with others. The manifestations could result in outward anger, repression, irritability, passive-aggressive-ness, overcompensation, etc.
What if a person is still in the ‘depression’ stage?
Firstly, how much effort are they truly going to be able to contribute to another person?
Secondly, that’s probably not a person’s true self.
So the divorcee may have a different persona or character about them during this depressed time that they would not normally exhibit.
So, the person being “dated” wouldn’t truly know the real person they were dating.
So, it’s honestly not fair to either person.
Another reason to postpone dating is because of the “emotional baggage”. I know this is a new buzz word, but emotional baggage is very real for those who have gone through divorce, especially if it was a long term or tumultuous relationship.
We can’t just immediately burn through all the emotions and feelings that come after ending a significant relationship. Those feelings and emotions need time to be processed. Some do this more quickly than others, but it still takes time.
If you rush into another relationship too quickly all of the old things that you used to do will follow you if you haven’t worked through them.
For example, if a person is the jealous type and that’s one of the reasons for the disintegration of the previous relationship, unless a person worked through those issues to become less jealous, they are going to take that same problem into the next relationship. This will likely have the same outcome as the first if the jealously continues.
So, before rushing into dating and trying to find that next relationship, make sure you’ve at least made your way through the 5 stages of grief and have worked through some of the issues that may have contributed to problems in your previous relationship.
Time is a Gift
March 8, 2010 at 10:30 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a commentTags: build relationships, divorce, focus, Relationships, time, Time is a gift
You’ve heard the old cliche before, “Time is a Gift”.
But, to ask a divorced person if that is that is true, they may very well disagree. After divorce, “time” can seem quite the opposite of a gift, but more like an enemy.
There are days and nights that just seem to crawl agonizingly slow because of the loss that has occurred.
There are even some people, prior to the divorce who seemed to have had hardly a minute to spare and would wish for extra time during those previous day. But now, even for those, the day can’t seem to go by fast enough.
Divorce leaves people wishing for many things and one of those wishes is a rush for time to go by.
For those with that thought, the old adage “time heals all wounds” brings comfort.
Therefore, there are just pure wishes that the next day would come along for a chance at a brighter start.
Divorce can certainly be a major distraction, leaving hours, days, and months to pass with lack of focus. But Dr. John Gray, the author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” states “when you sabotage yourself with unnecessary distractions, you throw away the very precious gift of time”.
His point is don’t waste the opportunity that has presented itself on losing focus on what’s important, YOU!
People going through divorce want to rush through the healing process and eliminate all of the grief that has been forced upon them.
But out of some of the darkest points in people’s lives, have come some of the greatest feats and triumphs.
The same can be true of divorce.
This is a time that you can use to forgive yourself for mistakes made and forgive others for theirs. A time to reassess your needs, your wants, and your desires. A time to regain your emotional strength and discover a new life within you.
It certainly is true that healing from divorce will take time. However, as with all situations in life, we can use time as a tool.
If you’re going through divorce, this time can be used to work on you, to focus on you, and to take the steps that to build a new life and build new and existing friendships.
Time spent with good friends and family is a good way to comfort the soul. They will understand your need for time to heal. They can provide you a consoling ear, a shoulder to cry on, and encouragement to take advantage of new opportunities.
Don’t let divorce rob you of time, but use this time to your advantage. If not, the only one who will be cheated, is you.
So use this time to build stronger relationships with your family and friends, but also the relationship with yourself, which is the most important of all.
Time knows no friends and knows no enemies. It is indifferent.
So we can’t expect time to be benevolent and work for us, but must find ways to take advantage of it and use it for our favor.
“Carpe Diem!”
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