Coach Coty's Blog

Don’t Rush In

March 8, 2010 at 10:35 am | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment
Tags: 5 stages of grief, dating, divorce, jealousy

 

One of the more common questions after divorce is -

“How long should I wait before dating or getting into another relationship?”

This is a good question.

Many, while going through the divorce process or shortly after, feel like they’re ready to get out there and date again.

The primary reason for this is typically a lack of companionship which causes them to feel lonely.

The experts recommend waiting one year for every four years of marriage. So for example, if a couple was married eight years, the recommended reprieve from dating would be two years.

While some may be fine with that wait, I know others would think to themselves, “yeah right, that’s ridiculous, I’m not waiting that long”.

While I can’t say I blame you for the attempt to rush back into dating or another relationship, there are many reasons the experts give the advice they do about the wait.

Let’s take a look at a couple.

One reason is related to the 5 stages of grief. They are:

1. Denial – denying the event took place

2. Anger – a person may be mad at the ex or themselves for the                divorce

3. Bargaining – making bargains to try to take away or                                                          make up for the loss

4. Depression – feeling sad, lonely, and numb

5. Acceptance – accepting the reality of the loss

Unless someone is in the fifth stage, acceptance, all the other stages will have an affect on their ability to be emotionally ready for another relationship.

Imagine if a person is still angry with their ex over the divorce. That anger is going to manifest in other areas of their life, including their interactions with others. The manifestations could result in outward anger, repression, irritability, passive-aggressive-ness, overcompensation, etc.

What if a person is still in the ‘depression’ stage?

Firstly, how much effort are they truly going to be able to contribute to another person?

Secondly, that’s probably not a person’s true self.

So the divorcee may have a different persona or character about them during this depressed time that they would not normally exhibit.  

So, the person being “dated” wouldn’t truly know the real person they were dating.

So, it’s honestly not fair to either person.

Another reason to postpone dating is because of the “emotional baggage”. I know this is a new buzz word, but emotional baggage is very real for those who have gone through divorce, especially if it was a long term or tumultuous relationship.

We can’t just immediately burn through all the emotions and feelings that come after ending a significant relationship. Those feelings and emotions need time to be processed. Some do this more quickly than others, but it still takes time.

If you rush into another relationship too quickly all of the old things that you used to do will follow you if you haven’t worked through them.

For example, if a person is the jealous type and that’s one of the reasons for the disintegration of the previous relationship, unless a person worked through those issues to become less jealous, they are going to take that same problem into the next relationship. This will likely have the same outcome as the first if the jealously continues.

So, before rushing into dating and trying to find that next relationship, make sure you’ve at least made your way through the 5 stages of grief and have worked through some of the issues that may have contributed to problems in your previous relationship.