The Blame Game in Divorce

When something difficult happens to us in life, most of us find it very easy to place blame on anyone but ourselves.

Remember when you were a child and your parents would approach you about something that you had done that was considered bad or wrong. The immediate reaction was typically, “I did not do it” and if at all possible, we blamed siblings, the dogs, the cats, ghosts, the babysitter, whoever we could think of so the responsibility did not fall on us. It’s almost comical looking back on creative we were, isn’t it?

When you’re a kid you learn quickly that with that acceptance of responsibility comes the possibility of pain. Sometimes it’s the pain of a belt, sticking your nose in the corner, or the punishment of being grounded.

As adults, we have a tendency to continue trying to avoid that possibility of hurt that may come with the responsibility of our acceptance for things that have occurred. Therefore, we often will blame others when faced with this option.

Divorce is no different.

A large percentage of those going through divorce will blame their spouse for the things that have gone wrong or for the failure of the marriage.

Maybe when you were a child you were able to convince your parents that you were not the one who did the “wrong” thing, but at the end of the day, you knew it was you.

So, you may have gotten away from the “physical” punishment aspect of it, but emotionally, you still had the burden. Certainly, some can let that burden go easier than others. But ultimately, the burden is still there.

Very few people are prepared to accept responsibility for their own contributions to the failure of their marriage. But whether you accept the responsibility for it or not, again, the burden will still be there.

For a while, blame may seem like the easy way out, the easy way to survive, or the easy way to cope.

But the reality is, this is a façade. This displacement of responsibility does not help one to move on, it only helps to hold on to resentment.

When I get my clients to a point of acceptance and willingness, then ask them the question if they believe they are completely free of blame from all responsibility for the failure in their marriage, 100% of them will say they had at least some percentage of the responsibility.

That may be hard statistic to handle for those in the midst of divorce. But taking responsibility can actually relieve the burden of guilt and begin moving you to a place of resolve. Some call it “getting the monkey off your back”.

So, please take responsibility for that which is yours so you can make motions to change the issue/s, as for the rest that wasn’t yours to claim, remember

Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the perpetrator. 

 Let me leave you with these quotes:

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change”. 

(Dr. Robert Anthony)

 

“To find a fault it easy; to do better may be difficult”. (Plutarch)

 

I encourage you to comment on what you did or did not like about this blog!

 

Every Other Weekend

Children are the embodiment of love. They are your gift and you are theirs. The love for a child certainly is like no other. Most parents describe it as unconditional.

 

You love your children when they drive you crazy. You love them when they’re being sweet. You love them when they’re filthy and you love them when they are weak.

 

You take your them to school, to their soccer games, and to the birthday parties too.

Your life revolves around your children.

 

What would your life be like without your children?

 

Because 50% of marriages result in divorce, this leaves half of all parents to answer this question upon receiving the custodial order of

EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. 

 

Having come from a divorced family at a very young age and having gone through a divorce myself, in which a child was involved, I know the pain from each side.

 

Imagine loving someone so much and only getting to see them every other weekend or perhaps even less.

 

A hero, a provider, a comforter, and a security, often times, that is what parents are in their children’s eyes.

 

When parents are together they generally provide a younger child with more emotional stability.

When they are around, children feel that the world is a secure place. They have no worries. They don’t have to worry what the future holds, why a parent no longer loves them, or what they did wrong to make them leave.

 

Too often when two people are going through a divorce they lose sight of the important things, like the children.

 

They believe that if they fight for full custody and try to keep the kids from the other parent as much as possible that they will be doing the kid a favor and providing them with a better life. However, frequently the fact is that it’s simply a fight out of spite and going to do the child more harm than good.

 

While you and your ex may no longer share your lives, the one thing you will always have in common is your child or children. And the common denominator is very likely, that they love you both very much. This is going to be a difficult transition for your children and every other weekend is certainly not common to them.

 

So if you can, try to put aside the differences that make you right or wrong or better or worse. Try to remember what’s best for the children in this situation – because this is not a choice for them at all.

 

Children are looking and longing for love. You can both give that to them by working together to make this as easy a transition as possible. Civility and kindness go a long way.

 

You are the example.

They will follow your lead.

 

It’s important to keep in mind what you’re truly fighting for.

 

Let’s face it divorce is painful enough.

Why make it more difficult for yourself and your children than it has to be?

Will you give away or keep the farm?

In most cases, divorce is a splitting of emotional ties, as well as assets.

And for many, the two are very closely related.

Those going through divorce will face asset or debt negotiation or some combination of the two.

And people going through the divorce process cover the whole gamut of these negotiations.

• You have some spouses that will try their best to make an amicable split throughout the entire process.
• You have some that attempt to keep everything for themselves because they believe they are deserving. This could come from feeling they were mistreated during the relationship, either physically or verbally. Perhaps there was infidelity involved and they think that acquiring the majority of the assets is justified as an attempt at retribution.
• You will even have some spouses justify the desire to acquire the majority of assets because they feel their partner didn’t spend enough time with them or they didn’t feel their physical and emotional needs were met.
• Then you have some that are willing to let their Ex have everything.

This last reason is typically out of guilt. Perhaps the person feels guilty for asking for a divorce. They may feel guilty for having had an affair. They may feel guilty for not living up to what they believed was their duty in the relationship, or some may just want to be done with the whole relationship and the “turning over” of all the assets is an attempt as a “buy-out” from the spouse. And then finally, you have some that just wish to rid theirselves of all these items because they are painful or bad reminders of what has come.

Whichever position you find yourself in, please understand that at the beginning of the divorce proceedings most people are charged with a full range of emotions.

 This range of emotions leaves people experiencing a difficult time focusing for a variety of reasons.

It could be lack of a good diet or intake of adequate calories. Some people are so severely depressed about the circumstance, that they can’t stop being sad. For those that are angry, they can’t see straight because they are still breathing fire. Finally, some are still in the stuck in the hope that things will work out and that they and their Ex will get back together.

Whatever stage of grief you are in, denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance,

please be aware that you still have a future and need to negotiate what it will take for you to survive and have a reasonable lifestyle if possible.

You also need to understand that you have value and worth as well and giving away all your assets is not allowing yourself to be valued. By the same token, if you’re trying to take away all the assets in an attempt to “stick it to” the Ex, you’re basically stating that they have no or little value.

At some point this person meant something to you and you probably had adoration and respect for them. Remember they are still a human being and do have value as well.

Certainly there are extreme circumstances and those should be considered, but

Somewhere, as in everything in life, there is a balance;

 A balance for both of you.

So please be wise, sit down with a coach, attorney, and/or financial planner, and consider what your future outlook should be and what your needs are.

Don’t be so quick to give away the farm or so reticent to keep it, because this could end up costing you the ranch!

Coping With Divorce – One Day At A Time

Whether you were the person who favored divorce or the party who was totally unaware that there were even problems in the marriage, divorce is an experience that is comparable to losing a loved one to death.

And because of the significant loss, one will often experience the 5 stages of grief that are associated with the proceedings of divorce.

Those stages are in order:

1. Denial and Isolation – The tendency to deny the loss has taken place. Withdraw from our usual social contacts may occur. This stage may last a few moments, a few months, or a few years.
2. Anger – The grieving person may become furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if they are deceased) or at the world for letting it happen. A person may be angry with themselves for letting the event take place, even if realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining – The grieving person may make bargains with their spouse or even God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
4. Depression – The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance – This is when the anger, sadness, and mourning have tapered off.

        The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

 Often times the person who filed for divorce goes through these stages while still in the marriage, so by the time they file they have already moved to step 5, Acceptance.

 However, the person who was not contemplating divorce will have to begin the 5 stages upon the notification. This is one of the reasons that divorces become so adversarial because the couple is at two different stages of grief.

 The person who had no idea about the divorce is left wondering how can their spouse seem so uncaring and indifferent.

It’s because they have already gone through the stages.

Women in particular will contemplate divorce for up to five years before filing. So at the end of the five years, they have been at the acceptance level for possibly quite some time. 

 Going through these 5 stages of grief during divorce can be a long or short process depending on the amount of time that you were with your spouse, the intensity of your relationship, and the reasons for the disintegration of the relationship.

 If you find yourself going through these feelings, please understand you are human and this is normal and real. You are not the only one who has experienced this and you are not abnormal.

These emotions are completely normal and necessary to cope with such a significant injury.

 This process will take time and there will be days that you feel more sad, angry, and depressed than others. There may be days that you are elated at the outlook of your new future, only to find the next day you are severely depressed again.

Going through divorce will be like being on a roller coaster. That is to be expected. There are a lot of ups and downs.

 So, simply take one day at a time. Try not to make rushed or rash decisions, especially right after you become aware of the divorce. Your emotions will typically run very high, so try to hesitate on making longer term decisions and it may be a good idea to run the ideas across your attorney or a friend.

 Understanding that these stages are a natural process, can help you to move forward knowing that in time things will get better.

So, don’t rush and be wise.

 

THE RIDE

Life is dynamic, meaning it’s always changing. This means there will always be different series of events; some good, some bad.

In the movie Parenthood, the grandmother described life as a roller coaster. She spoke of the ups and downs and the excitement that comes with that.

The ups and downs are the primary reason most people enjoy roller coasters. If the ride ran flat all of the time, it probably wouldn’t be very exciting.

Life is similar. It’s full of ups and downs or highs and lows. If there were always highs, then you wouldn’t appreciate them as much when they occurred. We’d probably take them for granted. On the contrary, if there were constantly lows, then we would become frustrated from never experiencing the highs.

As a coach I watch people react to various life events and see how they let that affect their future course or happiness. It’s amazing how many of us are stifled by life’s events. We let one or two events prevent us from moving forward and lose our momentum, so that we can’t get back to the upside of the roller coaster.

Divorce is one of those significant life events that has its way of stealing a person’s momentum and desire to get back onto the ride. However, through great pain can come great experience and great learning. Without making it to the bottom of the roller coaster, you’d never be able to make it back to the top with exhilaration. As difficult as divorce may be, many divorcees find that there is a lot that can be learned that will help them to thrive in the future. These individuals seek new opportunities and take the risks in the hope of getting back to the top of that coaster knowing that the soaring heights and beautiful view will help them to get through the next tough time they endure.

No one is immune to heartache, dismay, or hurt. Everyone rides the roller coaster of life. That’s not an option.

The choice is, will you choose to get onto the roller coaster again willingly so you can get to that next high quicker or will you choose to wait and stay riding low with no chance of exhilaration. For those of you that are ready to get back on, you may even try a bigger coaster that you’ve never tried before.

Happiness is not something that finds us, we have to find our happiness. Many people wait a lifetime for this only to find that Life and Happiness are what we make of it.

Life is about choices and experiences. The options are yours.

What Experiences will you create?

Peace of Mind

Often times when people are going through divorce, peace of mind is the last thing on their mind.

Understandably, people get caught up in the emotional and legal aspects of divorce and all the circumstances that surround it. From the legal perspective, they focus on things such as the custodial rights of the children that they will be seeking. They focus on the property settlement or the asset distribution.

From the emotional side, they wonder about the injustice of the treatment from their soon to be Ex-Spouse. For example, why did he or she have an affair?

Some divorcees focus on the anger or resentment that they are carrying because life did not turn out the way they had planned. There are those that have a difficult time letting go of guilt because they believe that they could have done more to save the marriage, but it was too late. Then there are those that are suffering an immense sadness because of the great loss of their loved one that they had hoped to spend the rest of their life with.

 

Divorce leaves people feeling a broad spectrum of emotions. Unfortunately, most of them are debilitating or negative emotions, like sadness, anger, resentment, regret, or anxiety.

Very few people going through divorce are able to do so in a “peace of mind” manner.

The stakes seem to be too high. There are a lot of issues to contend with, even for those that are seeking or desire the divorce.

 

So how does one achieve this Peace of Mind in the midst of divorce?

Here are some things that can help:

First, take time on a regular basis to think about what would make you really happy in each area of your life. Begin to meditate on these things and visualize yourself in these scenarios that would bring about this happiness.

Second, set specific, measurable goals for improvement in your relationships, your health, your work, and your finances and write them down.

Third, resolve to do something every day to increase the quality of some area of your life and then keep your resolution.

 

Peace of mind is essential for happiness. The greater your peace of mind, the more relaxed and positive you are, the less stress you suffer, and the better your overall health will be.

 

Divorce is very challenging to your peace of mind. However taking the action steps listed above will help to overcome the obstacles and expedite the time it does take to achieve Your Peace Of Mind.