Nature to Nurture – What is your Nature?

There are several things that dictate whether or not a romantic relationship will work out.

One of those things is the nature of the two people involved. A person’s nature will determine how much nurturing is going to occur.

For example, let’s say one person in the relationship is very affectionate and enjoys giving and receiving attention. Now let’s say the other person is not very affectionate and isn’t really accustomed to giving attention. Those are two extremes in their natures.

If you are very affectionate and thrive from receiving attention, be cautious about entering into a relationship with someone who isn’t very affectionate. The lack of physical expression of love, for an attention seeker, can be quite harmful to the relationship.

The person who is seeking attention begins to feel deprived of one of their most important desires. When this wish is not met, the one who is looking for attention can go through various stages to find the attention they are seeking. They will typically seek this attention out from friends and family first. But friends and family can not provide the intimacy this person is looking for. Many times if the issue is not resolved, the person will either look to leave the relationship or find this more intimate attention from another lover.

So, be cautious when seeking a mate and attempt to find someone who is similar in nature.

No relationship is perfect and without problems, but finding someone with a similar nature will help to eliminate some obstacles that you will face.

So, spend some time determining what your nature is, so you can find the one you want to nurture.

What Does Your Past Tell YOU?

I have to begin by saying I love coaching. It’s just an insanely rewarding passion that I have.
And when people find out I’m a relationship coach, I usually get a lot of questions, when they get me in a one-on-one conversation.

So, I was speaking to a gentleman today in a casual conversation. We talked about many things, including several of his life experiences and his contemplation of how and why he is the way he is.
I’m sure most of us have deliberated that a time or two, right?   : )

At first he began telling me about his various accomplishments and things he really thought were good qualities about himself. But that was shortly followed with him expressing some things that he thought were really stifling him.

Okay, so now let’s get to the catch.

How many of us have these stifling beliefs about ourselves????  Be honest!
How many of us let those beliefs thwart our visions, dreams, and aspirations in not only our professional lives, but also our personal lives.
Is it a wonder why our relationships suffer so often?

So, back to the gentleman. In less than 45 minutes, I had this man in joyful tears through the empowering words and questions I had for him. These thought provoking comments and questions caused a huge shift in his perception about these so-called “stifling beliefs,” the ones he was allowing to dictate his behaviors.

He felt immediate relief that this negative association could now be transformed to be of use and benefit to him, as I showed him how to turn it into a positive association.

It’s quite interesting how we operate and gain our thoughts and beliefs of ourselves.
What happens is we let our past create our reality.
Think about that for a minute.
The majority of people let their past, create their reality.

So, how about trying it a new way?
Let go of the past and let your present and future thoughts create your new reality.

How much better and different would your life be?

Time – The Greatest Gift of All

When you think about the people that you love and how you can express that love, what do you think about?

For many, especially, some of us guys, that can be difficult, since we don’t typically think on an emotional level.

Well here’s a hint:

Two of the things that people hold very near and dear are Time and Money.

But, when you consider a relationship with those that are truly close to you, most people would say Time is the more precious gift of the two.

 A quote that I feel epitomizes this concept is by David Mace.

“One of the great illusions of our time is that love is self-sustaining. It is not. Love must be fed and nurtured, constantly renewed. That demands ingenuity and consideration, but first and foremost, it demands time.”   

 

Time is one key way to let people know that you care about them.

What time are you are we putting into our relationships with the people we care about, not only with our spouses, but also our family and friends?

Think about what it means to you when someone wants to spend time with you. Does it make you feel better about yourself that someone is interested in being around you more often or does it make you feel worse about yourself. Well probably the former is true of the two options.

Long term relationships have less to do with the what you can tangibly provide someone with, but more to do with the quality of commitment they receive from you.

And the best way to show someone that you are committed to them is by spending time with them.

 

So if you want to begin improving your relationships with someone you know or care for, show them you care by offering the gift of time.

Control or change, They may be one in the same

I read a funny story today about God, Adam, and Eve.

The message proclaimed, “Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that, even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

It spoke of how children and grandchildren rarely heed the warnings or instructions that parents give to them. The point was that when you’re frustrated with your children and your inability to control them, remember even God couldn’t control Adam and Eve.

Eve still ate the apple.

I thought that was a very interesting analogy and that the same principle of trying to control people’s behaviors transcended over into relationships, primarily spousal relationships.

Many people go into their relationships thinking they’re going to be able to control or change certain behaviors of their spouse.

For example, the woman may be thinking “oh when we get married I can get him to save money or stop watching TV so much”. The man might be thinking that the woman he is with spends too much money and that once they solidify the relationship, she’ll stop spending so much.

I myself, am a clean freak, and often want my spouse to clean up after herself more than she desires to. My efforts to try to get her to conform have been met with failure. And her attempts to have me gain a greater affection for her cats have been in vain.

What’s more funny or ridiculous, is that neither of us have given up on these efforts to transform the other after 3 ½ years.

You know what they say about insanity….It’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So I guess call me insane!

Trying to change people is an attempt at control.

If you’re ever interested in trying to let go of some of your control issues, go get a book entitled “THE FIVE THINGS YOU CAN’T CHANGE” by Henry Cloud. One of the points he illustrates is that you can not change people.

If you’re still trying to change your spouse or control their behaviors, it is very unlikely that the change will occur and typically the more you pressure the issue, the more bitter and resentful your spouse will become.

So, please proceed with caution, Trying to change them is probably a futile effort.

Improve your odds at a successful relationship

As a relationship coach and a facilitator of divorce recovery workshops, I see alot of turmoil involved in relationships. The issues cover the entire spectrum, from infidelity, lack of sexual encounters, lack or respect, to rearing of children.

The divorce rates are staggering. They are 50% for the first marriage, 67% for the second, and 74% for the third. So by the time you’re on your third marriage, you only have a 26% chance of a successful relationship. You’d think by the third time, people would have relationships down to an art, but the opposite is typically the case.

This is because we have a tendency to stay intertwined in our old habits. These are usually the habits that brought about the demise of the first, second, and third relationship/s.

So here are two ways to avoid the increased likelihood of a failed relationship. 

They are:

Firstly, work on self-growth and getting rid of the old habits. For example, if you know you are anal-retentive, perhaps you can begin working towards not needing everything be perfect, so you don’t drive others mad with your compulsiveness. This is something I certainly have to work on.  : )

If you know that you are a slob and it tends to cause problems in your relationship, begin taking some steps on becoming less of a slob. For instance, start putting up your shoes and picking your clothes up off the floor. It seriously does not take even two minutes and can make a huge difference in not driving your spouse bonkers.

Secondly, find someone more compatible or that shares your same interests, this could even include sharing your bad habits. Oddly enough two slobs living together will most likely be more harmonious vs. a slob and a neat freak living together.

It’s extremely important when choosing a mate, to look for someone with similar goals and values. I can’t emphasize this enough.

So, do yourself a favor if you want a greater chance at a successful relationship, choose your mate wisely and be diligent with your criteria and never stop working on bettering yourself and eliminating those pesty old habits.

Hurricane Ike

Well Hurricane Ike has come and gone. What a mess he left behind. Tonya and I surely felt the affects of this storm. The major portion of the storm started around 12a.m. The winds initially coming out of the Northeast, then changed directions around 2am. coming from the southeast. This is when things got a bit ugly.
Tonya and I lost a good portion of our shingles, exposing our roof, leaving us to take on alot of water. Thankfully we were here to play what I call the “bucket game”, utilizing every bucket available to catch as much water as possible. We emptied every Christmas storage container, pet food container, and utilized as much large tupperware as we had. After playing the bucket game for about 5 hours, we retired as we knew we had been beaten. We had run out of buckets and were no longer able to play the game.
About 1/2 of our home will have to be replaced, but we were luckier than many. The poor residents of Galveston were decimated. Please let’s send our prayers, thoughts, and charity to them to give them a hand to rebuild and try to begin normalcy.
This certainly proves once again that life is fragile. We never know what life has in store for us and there are no guarantees. Proving that flexibility is a must to be able to “weather the storms”.

May God bless all those that have been affected by this storm.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I was speaking with a colleague earlier this week and he brought his personal life up. He began talking about how he and his significant other have been broken up for almost one year. However, he’s still experiencing the pangs of the split. They are still friends and around each other frequently which makes it difficult to move on. They have the same group of friends as well, another reason it’s difficult to sever the ties. It reminds me of Ross and Rachel of “Friends”. My colleague still loves his Ex very much and believes the feeling is mutual. So the obvious question is “well why don’t you two get back together”? He replied, “well it’s complicated…………”.

As a relationship coach, I hear that answer frequently. When you have two people that care for one another, share a home, friends, money, etc., it’s difficult to just move on without feeling that deep inner-struggle about how you should proceed.

He proceeded to tell me why it was complicated. He said “we’re just different. My Ex is the artsy type, creative, passionate, more of a Type B. However, I’m more of a Type A, liking structure and discipline, and look at things very logically”.

The old Type A vs. Type B…………not an uncommon problem. It’s actually a very common issue that causes discontent and troubles in relationships. So it’s probably not as complicated as he might think. It’s simply a matter of compatibility.

My colleague said he thought he and the Ex were meant to be.  He’s spoken to his Ex about this and explained to the Ex that it was inevitable, but that it would just take time before they were together again. My colleague seemed to find some comfort in his own statement. He believes that the Ex just has some more “growing up” to do, as the Ex is about 10 years younger.  

After listening to his comments about this tumultuous relationship they had been engaged in for seven years, I had to start asking some questions and pointing out some points of interest.

I mentioned that one of the more common problems in relationships is that people have different core values or sets of standards that they abide by. People can also have very different Life Goals. Often times in the beginning of a relationship we’re not engaging in these types of conversations to see where our “potential” mate stands on important topics such as goals, money, children, religion, etc…… 

Not knowing or understanding how your mate feels about these things is like jumping out of an airplane not knowing if you chute will open. You’re walking into things totally blinded. Once we’re in the relationship for a while, we start seeing and experiencing all of the differences. Then we try to see if we can get our significant other to “change their ways”. If they love you, they’ll change right????????   Sorry folks, it’s not likely, especially if they are core values and goals. We as humans are creatures of habit and we typically detest change. We like to stay in our comfort zones. So to expect someone to conform to “our ways” is probably like expecting to hit the lottery. The chances are slim.

I’m not trying to be a pessimist or discourage people regarding relationships, that’s just the reality of who we are and how we generally behave.

My colleague heard what I was saying and I knew that he already had a sense of this notion. I could see it is his face, but he had convinced himself that they could make it work. I simply asked him to put some more time into the reality of the situation before jumping back in.

Breaking up is hard to do. We like to be comfortable and don’t like enduring heartbreak and heartache. We get comfortable being with someone and are willing to risk the turmoil of the relationship vs. the change of being alone. Often times we know that the relationship is unhealthy, but just can’t quite figure out how to make the break.

Check out my website at:

www.coachcoty.com

 

 

 

Disconnect with your spouse

I’m having lunch with a friend yesterday and she mentions that she feels disconnected from her spouse.  Unfortunately, this is a complaint I hear often, so I wanted to blog about it a little today.

So what is disconnect with your spouse and how do you know if you’re disconnected?

Disconnect would be if you feel like you are not connected with your spouse, mind, body, and soul. This could be present itself as lack of communication or quality of communication. It could also surface as lack of physical intimacy, or agreement on matters.

Often times in the beginning of a relationship we feel a strong “Connect” with our mate. Typically we are heavily involved in conversations trying to learn more about one another. We spend alot of time together and there is usually an increased frequency of sexual encounters. This is known as the “honeymoon phase”. The honeymoon phase can range from about six months to two years, depending on the couple.

But then the honeymoon phase ends and many people start feeling themselves disconnecting with their mate. The long conversations you used to have diminished and the frequency of sexual encounters has decreased significantly. All of a sudden your mate in spending more time at work, they’re always tired, or they would just rather watch TV.

Wow! Now what do I do? 

The answer is communication.

You need to try and find a way to keep communication alive in your relationship. You need to be able to convey your needs to your mate and your mate receive them. Often times this is very challenging. You may have to seek help for this from a relationship coach or counselor, depending on the type of communicator you and your spouse are.

Tony Robbins describes effective communication as only being effective if you receive the response you want. So, using badgering or pestering is probably not going to be an effective way for you to try and have your needs fulfilled. The better option is try to learn what communication style your mate uses or responds best to. Once you have that figured out, try and approach them in that style.

But how can communication help me to increase the number of times we are “intimate”?

Again, if you can effectively communicate your needs to your mate, then your mate will understand that intimacy is a desire of yours that you want fulfilled. Without communicating this in an effective manner, they may not know that this a problem for you.

Communication is the core of any successful relationship. A relationship in which you feel “connected” to your spouse, mind, body, and soul.

check out my website at :  www.coachcoty.com or email me at coty@coachcoty.com

The Secret

Tonya and I met a couple today. They had been married for 40 years. As is always, when we come across couples that have endured marriage for an extended period of time, we always ask:

So what is your secret?

They’re answer was never shout at each other and never argue in front of the children. So basically I asked them, it’s about respect right? They agreed that that was it.

Respect has to be a key component in any successful relationship. Without it, your relationship will be out of balance and most likely falter. So few couples have total respect in their relationships anymore. So, it’s no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

Tonya and I are always pleased to meet people that have been married so long and see the joy that they still have in their lives. It inspires hope and let’s face it without hope, there’s not much left.

As a Life coach specializing in coaching couples, I certainly know most of the rules that I should play by in order to make my relationship last. So, I hope that I can be as fortunate as that couple we met and have a long successful relationship too.

To Stay or Not to Stay?

I had a lady ask for my business card today. She wanted to talk to me to figure out if she should stay in her marriage of 25 years.

How many of you wonder whether or not to stay in your marriage or your relationship? You might find yourself stagnant and in a deep rut in your relationship and giving up on it might seem like the right thing to do.

So, what do you do?

Well don’t feel guilty about the feeling because it crosses most of our minds at some point, if not many points in time during our relationships.

It can be a very, very difficult decision to make. This takes alot of soul searching and weighing the costs and benefits of the relationship. To a large degree, the answer will be dictated by the value you place on marriage and what that commitment means. But, there are many other factors to be looked at including: what are the financial ramifications, how will this affect the children, where will you live after the break-up/divorce, how will you split up the assets, etc……..

There is not a single answer that can be given to field this question. It is “couple-dependent”. I’ve worked with couples that have decided to stay in their relationship and make it work, but I’ve also had people decide that they had to let the relationship go, because they felt like it was never going to work.

So, I’m not sure ultimately what the lady’s decision will be, but don’t feel like you’re alone if you are facing this dilemma as well. It’s a very common predicament and query.