Coach Coty's Blog

As a relationship coach, I hear that answer frequently. When you have two people that care for one another, share a home, friends, money, etc., it’s difficult to just move on without feeling that deep inner-struggle about how you should proceed.

He proceeded to tell me why it was complicated. He said “we’re just different. My Ex is the artsy type, creative, passionate, more of a Type B. However, I’m more of a Type A, liking structure and discipline, and look at things very logically”.

The old Type A vs. Type B…………not an uncommon problem. It’s actually a very common issue that causes discontent and troubles in relationships. So it’s probably not as complicated as he might think. It’s simply a matter of compatibility.

My colleague said he thought he and the Ex were meant to be.  He’s spoken to his Ex about this and explained to the Ex that it was inevitable, but that it would just take time before they were together again. My colleague seemed to find some comfort in his own statement. He believes that the Ex just has some more “growing up” to do, as the Ex is about 10 years younger.  

After listening to his comments about this tumultuous relationship they had been engaged in for seven years, I had to start asking some questions and pointing out some points of interest.

I mentioned that one of the more common problems in relationships is that people have different core values or sets of standards that they abide by. People can also have very different Life Goals. Often times in the beginning of a relationship we’re not engaging in these types of conversations to see where our “potential” mate stands on important topics such as goals, money, children, religion, etc…… 

Not knowing or understanding how your mate feels about these things is like jumping out of an airplane not knowing if you chute will open. You’re walking into things totally blinded. Once we’re in the relationship for a while, we start seeing and experiencing all of the differences. Then we try to see if we can get our significant other to “change their ways”. If they love you, they’ll change right????????   Sorry folks, it’s not likely, especially if they are core values and goals. We as humans are creatures of habit and we typically detest change. We like to stay in our comfort zones. So to expect someone to conform to “our ways” is probably like expecting to hit the lottery. The chances are slim.

I’m not trying to be a pessimist or discourage people regarding relationships, that’s just the reality of who we are and how we generally behave.

My colleague heard what I was saying and I knew that he already had a sense of this notion. I could see it is his face, but he had convinced himself that they could make it work. I simply asked him to put some more time into the reality of the situation before jumping back in.

Breaking up is hard to do. We like to be comfortable and don’t like enduring heartbreak and heartache. We get comfortable being with someone and are willing to risk the turmoil of the relationship vs. the change of being alone. Often times we know that the relationship is unhealthy, but just can’t quite figure out how to make the break.

Check out my website at:

www.coachcoty.com