Coach Coty's Blog

Coping With Divorce – One Day At A Time

July 11, 2009 at 1:22 pm | Posted in divorce | Leave a comment
Tags: Cope With Divorce

Whether you were the person who favored divorce or the party who was totally unaware that there were even problems in the marriage, divorce is an experience that is comparable to losing a loved one to death.

And because of the significant loss, one will often experience the 5 stages of grief that are associated with the proceedings of divorce.

Those stages are in order:

1. Denial and Isolation – The tendency to deny the loss has taken place. Withdraw from our usual social contacts may occur. This stage may last a few moments, a few months, or a few years.
2. Anger – The grieving person may become furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if they are deceased) or at the world for letting it happen. A person may be angry with themselves for letting the event take place, even if realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining – The grieving person may make bargains with their spouse or even God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
4. Depression – The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance – This is when the anger, sadness, and mourning have tapered off.

        The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

 Often times the person who filed for divorce goes through these stages while still in the marriage, so by the time they file they have already moved to step 5, Acceptance.

 However, the person who was not contemplating divorce will have to begin the 5 stages upon the notification. This is one of the reasons that divorces become so adversarial because the couple is at two different stages of grief.

 The person who had no idea about the divorce is left wondering how can their spouse seem so uncaring and indifferent.

It’s because they have already gone through the stages.

Women in particular will contemplate divorce for up to five years before filing. So at the end of the five years, they have been at the acceptance level for possibly quite some time. 

 Going through these 5 stages of grief during divorce can be a long or short process depending on the amount of time that you were with your spouse, the intensity of your relationship, and the reasons for the disintegration of the relationship.

 If you find yourself going through these feelings, please understand you are human and this is normal and real. You are not the only one who has experienced this and you are not abnormal.

These emotions are completely normal and necessary to cope with such a significant injury.

 This process will take time and there will be days that you feel more sad, angry, and depressed than others. There may be days that you are elated at the outlook of your new future, only to find the next day you are severely depressed again.

Going through divorce will be like being on a roller coaster. That is to be expected. There are a lot of ups and downs.

 So, simply take one day at a time. Try not to make rushed or rash decisions, especially right after you become aware of the divorce. Your emotions will typically run very high, so try to hesitate on making longer term decisions and it may be a good idea to run the ideas across your attorney or a friend.

 Understanding that these stages are a natural process, can help you to move forward knowing that in time things will get better.

So, don’t rush and be wise.