Control or change, They may be one in the same

I read a funny story today about God, Adam, and Eve.

The message proclaimed, “Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that, even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

It spoke of how children and grandchildren rarely heed the warnings or instructions that parents give to them. The point was that when you’re frustrated with your children and your inability to control them, remember even God couldn’t control Adam and Eve.

Eve still ate the apple.

I thought that was a very interesting analogy and that the same principle of trying to control people’s behaviors transcended over into relationships, primarily spousal relationships.

Many people go into their relationships thinking they’re going to be able to control or change certain behaviors of their spouse.

For example, the woman may be thinking “oh when we get married I can get him to save money or stop watching TV so much”. The man might be thinking that the woman he is with spends too much money and that once they solidify the relationship, she’ll stop spending so much.

I myself, am a clean freak, and often want my spouse to clean up after herself more than she desires to. My efforts to try to get her to conform have been met with failure. And her attempts to have me gain a greater affection for her cats have been in vain.

What’s more funny or ridiculous, is that neither of us have given up on these efforts to transform the other after 3 ½ years.

You know what they say about insanity….It’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So I guess call me insane!

Trying to change people is an attempt at control.

If you’re ever interested in trying to let go of some of your control issues, go get a book entitled “THE FIVE THINGS YOU CAN’T CHANGE” by Henry Cloud. One of the points he illustrates is that you can not change people.

If you’re still trying to change your spouse or control their behaviors, it is very unlikely that the change will occur and typically the more you pressure the issue, the more bitter and resentful your spouse will become.

So, please proceed with caution, Trying to change them is probably a futile effort.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I was speaking with a colleague earlier this week and he brought his personal life up. He began talking about how he and his significant other have been broken up for almost one year. However, he’s still experiencing the pangs of the split. They are still friends and around each other frequently which makes it difficult to move on. They have the same group of friends as well, another reason it’s difficult to sever the ties. It reminds me of Ross and Rachel of “Friends”. My colleague still loves his Ex very much and believes the feeling is mutual. So the obvious question is “well why don’t you two get back together”? He replied, “well it’s complicated…………”.

As a relationship coach, I hear that answer frequently. When you have two people that care for one another, share a home, friends, money, etc., it’s difficult to just move on without feeling that deep inner-struggle about how you should proceed.

He proceeded to tell me why it was complicated. He said “we’re just different. My Ex is the artsy type, creative, passionate, more of a Type B. However, I’m more of a Type A, liking structure and discipline, and look at things very logically”.

The old Type A vs. Type B…………not an uncommon problem. It’s actually a very common issue that causes discontent and troubles in relationships. So it’s probably not as complicated as he might think. It’s simply a matter of compatibility.

My colleague said he thought he and the Ex were meant to be.  He’s spoken to his Ex about this and explained to the Ex that it was inevitable, but that it would just take time before they were together again. My colleague seemed to find some comfort in his own statement. He believes that the Ex just has some more “growing up” to do, as the Ex is about 10 years younger.  

After listening to his comments about this tumultuous relationship they had been engaged in for seven years, I had to start asking some questions and pointing out some points of interest.

I mentioned that one of the more common problems in relationships is that people have different core values or sets of standards that they abide by. People can also have very different Life Goals. Often times in the beginning of a relationship we’re not engaging in these types of conversations to see where our “potential” mate stands on important topics such as goals, money, children, religion, etc…… 

Not knowing or understanding how your mate feels about these things is like jumping out of an airplane not knowing if you chute will open. You’re walking into things totally blinded. Once we’re in the relationship for a while, we start seeing and experiencing all of the differences. Then we try to see if we can get our significant other to “change their ways”. If they love you, they’ll change right????????   Sorry folks, it’s not likely, especially if they are core values and goals. We as humans are creatures of habit and we typically detest change. We like to stay in our comfort zones. So to expect someone to conform to “our ways” is probably like expecting to hit the lottery. The chances are slim.

I’m not trying to be a pessimist or discourage people regarding relationships, that’s just the reality of who we are and how we generally behave.

My colleague heard what I was saying and I knew that he already had a sense of this notion. I could see it is his face, but he had convinced himself that they could make it work. I simply asked him to put some more time into the reality of the situation before jumping back in.

Breaking up is hard to do. We like to be comfortable and don’t like enduring heartbreak and heartache. We get comfortable being with someone and are willing to risk the turmoil of the relationship vs. the change of being alone. Often times we know that the relationship is unhealthy, but just can’t quite figure out how to make the break.

Check out my website at:

www.coachcoty.com

 

 

 

Disconnect with your spouse

I’m having lunch with a friend yesterday and she mentions that she feels disconnected from her spouse.  Unfortunately, this is a complaint I hear often, so I wanted to blog about it a little today.

So what is disconnect with your spouse and how do you know if you’re disconnected?

Disconnect would be if you feel like you are not connected with your spouse, mind, body, and soul. This could be present itself as lack of communication or quality of communication. It could also surface as lack of physical intimacy, or agreement on matters.

Often times in the beginning of a relationship we feel a strong “Connect” with our mate. Typically we are heavily involved in conversations trying to learn more about one another. We spend alot of time together and there is usually an increased frequency of sexual encounters. This is known as the “honeymoon phase”. The honeymoon phase can range from about six months to two years, depending on the couple.

But then the honeymoon phase ends and many people start feeling themselves disconnecting with their mate. The long conversations you used to have diminished and the frequency of sexual encounters has decreased significantly. All of a sudden your mate in spending more time at work, they’re always tired, or they would just rather watch TV.

Wow! Now what do I do? 

The answer is communication.

You need to try and find a way to keep communication alive in your relationship. You need to be able to convey your needs to your mate and your mate receive them. Often times this is very challenging. You may have to seek help for this from a relationship coach or counselor, depending on the type of communicator you and your spouse are.

Tony Robbins describes effective communication as only being effective if you receive the response you want. So, using badgering or pestering is probably not going to be an effective way for you to try and have your needs fulfilled. The better option is try to learn what communication style your mate uses or responds best to. Once you have that figured out, try and approach them in that style.

But how can communication help me to increase the number of times we are “intimate”?

Again, if you can effectively communicate your needs to your mate, then your mate will understand that intimacy is a desire of yours that you want fulfilled. Without communicating this in an effective manner, they may not know that this a problem for you.

Communication is the core of any successful relationship. A relationship in which you feel “connected” to your spouse, mind, body, and soul.

check out my website at :  www.coachcoty.com or email me at coty@coachcoty.com